KAHAPON (BxB)

PROLOGUE

The wall is cutting into my back, but I don't care. Oxygen is a long-lost memory as I blunted a thick screech. A home for screams that so desperately wanted to be heard. I can feel the candescent fire and ice running through my veins, freezing my every cell and burning every piece of me. I am empty, that my heart cannot handle all the honey-laced lies of a monster, the lies that I so desperately wanted to be true, but would kill me if they were.

"I love you," he whispers in each every kiss, closing the mere distance. The utterances I can't understand but feel the love of each syllable.

"Titan stop, tama ba 'to?" I hiss and he rests his forehead against mine as we both run after our breath, breaking the intensity that was slowly igniting.

I am in grade school when Titan became my protective shelter. Siya ang unang taong nagparamdam sa akin na may kwenta akong tao, na may silbi ako sa mundong aking ginagalawan that my presence is necessary. He listened not just to my spoken words but also to those unspoken silences of mine. We became friend, bestfriend at tinuring ko siyang parang tunay 'kong kapatid. When we were in high school, sabay kaming pumapasok. We usually walk and talk over the horizon before that viewed the vermillion clouds as the king sun rises. Tapos dumadaan kami sa kalapit na kanto where he will have his favorite milk tea. And then our laughter would be on its crispist as he punches his jokes along our way to school. And I love the way how his perfect lips open slightly and as how our hands bump and as how his warmth slides against mine where I feel like I've been wrapped inside a campfire lying in the warmth of sweet smoke and chocolate.

We also went to the same roof of school, we have the same fields that when my scores suck he will just utter his mere compliment that will then give me a positive influx of energy. We sat next to each other na kapag hindi nakatingin ang teacher we will then act like a nutcase clown of the class. Sabay kaming natuto. We play video games instead of reviewing when the finals are fast approaching. We were Tom and Jerry that we will fight like a fruitcake lad fighting over little things that are insignificant after all.

In his arms I found the strength and courage to let go of my fears, I found my safe haven and I found the missing piece of me being a jigsaw. But as the deep blue ocean, I was, I remain dark as I keep myself the secret that I don't want anyone to know not even him. Until one night changes that. He asked me but no words came from my mouth to suit on his question, but the shock and horror mixed in my face. I am torn into seven different pieces. One part of me wants to drop to the ground and allow my tears to flood to the linoleum. Pero hindi ko ito naitago as understanding as he was, he just tapped my back and said

"I understand at ikaw parin yong bestfriend na nakilala ko walang magbabago!"

His words were suiting like a hauntingly beautiful melody that unwinds my mind. Everything is fine and I still have Titan with me albeit hiding beyond the shadow or albeit being discreet. But then there is one thing that I'm faking myself with. To admit that I always wanted his presence, always wanted his warmth and always finding the joy he brings me like no one could ever give and at this time I knew it very well that I am falling for him, falling and drowning in those dark caramel colored eyes.

Days had passed and yet his intention was clear, nothing really change, the bond that we've established before is still strong. He accepted me, he accepted me more than I could've ever imagined and I'm happy that he's still there to play his role as my best buddy pero mas nagulat pa ako sa mga sumunod na araw. He became sweeter each day, like precious honey over the hot cinnamon and like butter in Spanish bread. And the sweeter he became the stronger I expect that I will be that cinnamon and he's the honey on top and we will make great sweets together. Naging komportabli ako sa kanya sa bawat araw na lumilipas.

I want him, I want him the way I wanted air in my lungs.

Until one day time came with its ruthless game. I freeze after realizing that I am in Titan's room, no wonder the room smells like him, the scent that I wanted in my nostrils. My eyes were still blurry until it became clearer where Titan's dark eyes met mine.

"Titan," pagtawag ko sa kanya I can still taste his name on my lips until now.

"What are we doing?" I whispered on that night not so sure of the vague environment.

"I don't know, I just want this night," his voice was the best melody in my ears.

I can still recall how warm is his skin against mine. His arms were around my waist, holding me tightly as if I will disappear any moment from the bed that only his warm grasp can keep me grounded. I moved to the side of his neck feeling the passage of air as he breathed deeply.

"Just kiss me." He whispered against my hair as he kisses me finally as if I am the only deluxe of that night.

I don't know if what exactly we are doing whether it is love or a fancy lust but all I know is I'm happy, I'm happy to be with him that night. I'm happy of becoming his lavender on that classic romantic night. And if that was lust then that might be the lust of pure nirvana that I would be keeping forever.

"Promise me your real, promise me that this isn't some wonderful, blissful dream sabihin mong totoo to," I murmured, my words were like knives now in my heart and mind.

"I didn't say you had to stop." His eyes were closed. I remember those long lashes of him, the opening of his captivating dark eyes.

"I love you." His last three words that night that I treasured until now before the night swallowed me to sleep.

Every night I rushed to my bed to remember those words. Words that I'm longing to hear from him. Words that paved way for me to have a place where I can call home and mine. Words that like flowers that bloomed beautifully in the spring. A fervor of two hearts with an invisible red string that the only two of us can see. Like a graphic intercept of x and y that crosses the very point of my heart. Like the lines crafted in the graphic paper slowly meeting at the same point creating intersections.

But on the next day, everything changes.

"Titan talk to me." I ran after him with my eyes watery.

"Umalis ka na." His words were dagger to my heart.

"What about last night?"

"Last night was a mistake and it was your fault."

"Mistake? What about the other night? The night before?"

"Mistake Caleb, you're nothing but a bullshit mistake, trying to mask people, you're gay and you're sick get away from me"

"How Titan? How is it possible for you to destroy and protect me all at the same time?"

"It is you who made me rebel against you. Akala ko totoo ka Caleb, but you're not you're like them."

"Titan" I called again

"I accepted you Caleb, your gender identity, all your fake mascara and I even listen to your stories and heal your scars but what did you do Caleb? You stripped away every ounce of strength that I have and as I fell weak, you crushed me into your feet," he lengthily explained and walked away.

The clouds cried as thunder bolted to the ground before the heavy rain showered on earth. The water fused with my tears as I stooped on the ground unwillingly. He loved me when I was unloved, he told me that love does exist, that the frame of shadows was the same. He let me feel that two people of different worlds and of the same sex could be one of the desires and part of reality. He taught me all of that. But now his shadow was slowly casting along the waves of the wind slowly eaten by darkness until it became vaguer and vaguer as the rain becomes thick that I could no longer see any smudge of his trace. He's gone, he touched me like a graphic pursuit, he touched me like a tangent touching me once and killing me thousands of times that will remain tomorrow as the past of tangency.