dazed and confused - norenmin

three

renjun

renjun sat in his seat, patiently waiting for the plane to stop completely so he could get off and finally start his summer.
despite his seemingly calm appearance, inwardly he was shitting himself.
he was an antisocial introvert at the best of times,
and now he was about to spend three months with a group of complete strangers.

when his mother told him about her plan she had made it sound like a great idea - explore a new country, make new friends, e.t.c.
but now he had actually landed his low self-esteem had kicked in,
and he was now doubting every single aspect of both his personality and his appearance.
he pulled out his phone, and, opening the camera, began examining every angle of his face,
noting all the (nonexistent) imperfections that he found.
The woman sitting next to him openly stared, then shifted as far away from him as possible, but renjun didn't notice.

he sighed, and flicked through his photos, hoping to find a semi-decent picture to boost his self-confidence.
he scrolled past screenshots of conspiracy theories - his passion - and tumblr memes,
before pausing on a group selfie of him and his friends.
chenle and jisung, and mark and donghuck, smiling from the sickening security of their relationships.
renjun shook his head to clear his thoughts.
now was not the time to get depressed about the lack of love in his life.

he needed to focus on not making these new people hate him, whoever they were.
his mother had said there would be two boys around his age, which terrified him.
the majority of boys his age were homophobic dickheads.
would these boys be the same?

renjun had known since he was very young that he liked boys,
although it wasn't until his teens that he found out that almost everyone else had a problem with that.
a lot of people had stopped talking to him after they found out, including his grandparents, and most of the people at his school.
his friends had supported him, and as they were in the same position as him they had all stuck together.
this meant that he had a very small friendship group, and not a lot of social skills.

he had no idea how to make new friends, particularly with two boys who were definitely straight,
and who probably didn't want him ruining their holiday.

the plane came to a stop, and renjun stood up after hearing the announcement to disembark.
stepping off the plane he hesitated, looking up at the blue sky,
where a lonely white cloud drifted towards two others which were already intertwined.
he took a deep breath, straightened his spine,
and walked towards his summer.

*****

renjun's thoughts:

don't fuck this up
make these people like you
god i wanna go back to China
no
it's fine
i can do this
sike nope i can't
come on renjunn pull yourself together
oh well, here goes nothing

author's note

why do i relate so much to renjun lmao
xxx