dazed and confused - norenmin

twenty five

jaemin

the sun shimmered as it sank through the sunset-streaked sky, before coming to a drowsy rest on the horizon.

jaemin observed this living painting through the window, then turned back to face renjun as the other boy entered the room. suddenly jaemin forgot how to breathe.

they were getting ready for the party, and it had been jaemin who had suggested that they choose each other's outfits. for renjun he had selected an aqua-blue, short-sleeved shirt, slightly oversized, and had pushed the unwilling boy into the bathroom, ordering him to tuck it into his jeans and add a belt.

as renjun hesitated in the doorway, evidently self-conscious, jaemin couldn't resist a long look up and down the boy, noting how the colour of the shirt suited him perfectly, bringing out the golden undertones of his skin, and how the tight jeans accentuated his body.

jaemin's gaze lingered on the older boy's lips, and his mind went back to that morning, when they had been so close and jaemin had been filled with an uncontrollable desire to kiss him. it had been renjun who had brought up hyunjin,who, if jaemin was completely honest, he had forgotten about in that moment.

it was just confusing.
when jaemin was with hyunjin, the other boy made him feel so appreciated, so special, and jaemin had never had that kind of attention before. he had not attempted to hide his interest in the younger boy, and jaemin admired and enjoyed the flirting, the affection.

but he was only human, and what human could resist the beauty and perfection that was renjun? was it wrong for him to want him, to crave his touch and feel warmth from his presence? jaemin had realised that he was only torturing himself by pushing the older boy away.

renjun, who brings light into the world, had brought it into jaemin's, and now he couldn't live without it.

if he was desperate for renjun, jaemin figured he must be addicted to jeno.
even though he had been deeply hurt by the other boy, even though he knew he wouldn't be able to forgive and forget for a long time, jaemin knew he needed jeno. he had always thought of the other boy as the better version of himself, someone who made him stronger and would always be there for him. he couldn't imagine letting go, not ever.

but he wasn't about to let him in, not yet.
however complicated his feelings were, jaemin had finally reached a place where, after years of hardship, he felt comfortable with who he was, and he wasn't gon' take no shit from nobody.

he snapped out of his thoughts as renjun cleared his throat meaningfully and twirled round to face jaemin with a twinkle in his eye. he had been rooting through the wardrobe, and was triumphantly holding up a black leather jacket.

"I bet you'll look hot in this."

jaemin flushed slightly at the compliment, but complied to renjun's instructions to pair jeans and a tight white T-shirt with the jacket. renjun whistled appreciatively as he re-entered the room, and gestured for him to sit down in front of the mirror so that the older boy could style his hair.

as renjun ran his fingers lightly through his hair, jaemin shuddered. he glanced up, meeting the other boy's gaze through the mirror. keeping his expression innocent, renjun didn't break their eye contact as he continued his hand motions, then began to slowly caress the soft baby hair at the nape of jaemin's neck.

at last jaemin could bear it no more, he whirled round and leaned towards renjun with a face of desperation.
the older boy began to lean in too, before he stopped himself and halted jaemin with a hand on his shoulder. he gave the younger boy's hair a final tousle, then smiled tightly.

"finished. I'm sure hyunjin will love it."

as jaemin opened his mouth to speak, renjun cut him off, eyes glimmering with the threat of tears.

"let's just go to the party, jaemin."

he walked quickly out of the room, switching the lift off as he exited, leaving jaemin alone in the dark to gather himself and try to make sense of the chaos that was his heart.

author's note

guys I started school and don't get me wrong sixth form is great but wow I have no free time eek

love y'all xxxx