dazed and confused - norenmin

twenty eight

jeno
jeno was sitting in front of the television screen, blaring colours reflected in his blank eyes as he gazed at the images without really taking them in. his mind was otherwise engaged.

he was thinking about the fact that this was the first day he had spent completely apart from jaemin in as long as he had known him. even when the younger boy had visited his family abroad with his parents, he and jeno had skyped everyday. even when jeno was sick for a whole month, the other boy never failed in his daily visits, to the point where it was his turn to fall ill, and jeno's to care for him.

but now jeno hadn't cared for jaemin.
he had hurt him.

and he wouldn't allow himself to message the younger boy, or visit him, to even have the chance to reconcile with him, because he knew that he didn't deserve jaemin's forgiveness. he had broken their vow to protect one another and stay together as well as his own promise that he had made to himself the day that renjun arrived, that he would love and cherish jaemin for as long as he lived.

his thoughts straying to renjun, as they inevitably would, he was again ashamed of his behaviour. what he had done, what he had said, was a dual-edged sword that had cut not one boy, or two, but three.

unsure as he was of renjun's feelings - he could see all too well the clear bond between the older boy and jaemin - he knew that his bitter words of hatred would turn the boy against him, and rightly so.

jeno remembered the time when his father was still around, and the atmosphere of tension and anger that used to pervade the house. the man always had a sharp tongue, a strong belief in his own opinions, and an attitude of disdain for those he disagreed with.

the day jeno had met jaemin, after that fateful encounter in the playground, he had run straight home and told his parents everything, momentarily forgetting his fear of his father as he went on and on about jaemin. he drifted from a description of the events to a description of jaemin, gushing about how beautiful he was, the radiant smile that seemed to part the clouds as jeno came to his rescue, and how perfectly his hand fit into jeno's own as the boy led him to safety.

he didn't notice the change in the room, the way his mother hung her head and shrank back after one look at her husband, who's face was a vessel for his deep-seated disgust, until the man spoke.

"you will not fraternise with this boy again, understood?"

his son's innocent reply was instantaenous, which only served to exacerbate his father's fury.

"but i like him!"

"boys don't like boys. that's unnatural, immoral.
disgusting."

younger jeno's chin wobbled as he took this in. these were words he would never forget, and despite his defiance of his father's order not to see jaemin - made easier by the fact that the man walked out on his son and wife a few years later - the words formed a barricade in both his mind and his heart, between what was right and wrong, what he could and couldn't feel.

this was why he had had so many relationships, all of which were doomed from the start for the simple reason that he liked jaemin. he had always liked jaemin.

but the words had hardened him to the part of himself that desired to love and be loved. he had allowed himself the consolation of having jaemin as a friend, but constantly pushing his feeling for the other boy away became increasingly exhausting. in the last few months, particularly the last few weeks, he had subconsciously started letting these feelings slip, through displays of affection that began to chip away at the once impenetrable wall between friend and...something more. jeno had had no expectation of jaemin liking him back, at least, not until recently.

as renjun had once observed, there were two sides to jeno. there was the part of him that wanted to be open with the world, to share his innermost thoughts and feelings. it was this part that would give into temptation by running a hand through jaemin's hair, touching his thigh or his face, or holding his hand a bit too long to be friendly. and, inevitably, the flipside of the coin, that hated burdening the world with his problems and, in his view, abnormalities, would slam him with guilt and remind him that what he desired was wrong and shameful, and that people, especially jaemin, would shun him if they knew the truth that he had tried so long to conceal.

but, miraculously, in the midst of the darkness with which jeno had surrounded himself, had appeared a new light.
renjun.

the boy's arrival had somehow strengthened his feelings for jaemin and given him the small sliver of hope that the other boy might like him back (although jeno reminded himself that he had fucked all that up last night), as well as the beginnings of something new. he had been instantly attracted to the older boy, and wondered if he felt the same.

the film had ended without jeno noticing.
the boy sat before the dark, motionless screen, head in his hands as he berated for missing his chance, for ruining everything between himself and jaemin as well as his potential bond with renjun. of course he wanted to apologise, but he was scared they would reject his remorse and besides, they were better off without him.

he was horrified by himself, how, when provoked by jaemin, he had so completely echoed his father in both speech and tone. was that his future, hate and isolation?

if only he could take back those words...

the phone rang.
the shrill sound echoing through the silent room was so unexpected that jeno flinched, blinking back tears as he looked around wildly. he got up and practically ran over to the phone, picking it up and answering with hands and a voice that shook.

"h-hello?"

author's note

I just wanna sit in a field with my friends and listen to music and vibe godammit