dazed and confused - norenmin

thirteen

jaemin

jaemin woke up and instinctively reached across the bed for jeno,
but found none of the warmth he craved.
in the summer they would habitually end up sleeping in each other's rooms,
after a late night gaming or star-gazing.
it was a mark of how close they were,
that they would so freely show their affection.

to him jeno always smelled of the sea,
an association perhaps due to the many carefree days they had spent together,
relaxing on the beach,
or swimming in the clear, refreshing water.

jaemin could catch a remnant of that smell now,
which clung to his skin like a kiss or a fond memory,
accompanied by another, unfamiliar fragrance.
this one reminded him of a spring breeze,
floating dreamily through a field of wildflowers and picking up their individual scents.

god i'm such a romantic
it just smells like flowers.
really nice flowers.
anyway on with the chapter.

this surely was renjun's. it fit him exactly,
and carried pleasant images of the beautiful boy to jaemin,
who sat gazing into space,
a soppy smile dancing on his lips as he recalled the whirlwind of the day before.

the day had been almost too perfect (not including the fight with jeno),
and jaemin began to wonder if it had been nothing but a fanciful dream.
he needed to see the other two boys
and know that they had experienced the same events,
to hold them in his arms and know that they were real and that...

...they were his.

jaemin had realised at the beginning of the summer that his feelings for jeno were more than friendly.
he didn't know exactly when he had stopped thinking of jeno as his brother,
and started wishing that he could be something more,
but day by day the emotions had crept in.
when he used to be able to rugby-tackle jeno to the ground and not bat an eyelid,
now the slightest brush of the shoulder would make him blush furiously.
a passing compliment or pet name would render him speechless,
and it was becoming increasingly difficult to hide these symptoms.

but the worst part was...
jeno never noticed.

they had become very good at reading each other over the years,
yet jeno never seemed to realise the effect he had on jaemin.
what didn't help was that jeno seemed to have become more touchy-feely with him recently,
and was constantly playing with the younger boy's ear or touching his face,
sometimes he would unexpectedly back-hug him,
and jaemin had to resist the urge to melt into his touch.
but it never occured to jaemin that there was anything behind it.

after all, he was used to being more dependent on jeno than vice-versa,
jeno probably didn't mean anything by it.
he had watched as jeno had girlfriend after girlfriend,
but he himself had never dated.
why would he need to?

he had jeno.

it was only now that jaemin was realising,
he didn't have jeno.
not in the way he wanted.

and it hurt, it really hurt,
to think that jeno would never feel the same.
jaemin had told himself this so many times,
that he had never questioned whether it was true.
he had lost hope.

yet the feelings remained.

and now, without warning,
another person had come into his life,
someone who jaemin had thought would taint his summer,
yet who had only made it brighter.

renjun.

jaemin could never have expected to feel the way he did,
particularly about somehow he scarcely knew.

but already he felt like he did know renjun,
the way he scrunched his nose when in thought,
how his eyes would shine with happiness.
his fear of clowns, his love of food.
his smile.
his laugh.
his everything.

jaemin didn't know it,
but renjun was noticing him too.
jaemin hadn't noticed the way renjun's breath would catch in his throat
when he looked at the other two boys,
or how everytime jaemin called him junnie,
he would have to check to see if he was still awake,
that he wasn't dreaming.

jaemin got up and began getting dressed,
his mind still full of renjun.
he wasn't sure where they stood with each other yet,
sure, they were friendly,
but already jaemin knew that friendship wasn't good enough.
the only question was,
how did renjun feel?

even if, somehow,
renjun did reciprocate his feelings,
a part of his heart would always belong to jeno.
this was what was really tearing jaemin apart.
should he pursue renjun?
would he ever be happy without jeno?
jaemin thought of what he had witnessed the night before,
and reminded himself that there was a chance he might not even be in the picture.
he was 99% sure that jeno was straight,
but the way he had been treating renjun...
jaemin had never seen him like that with any of his girlfriends.

he gave his hair a final run-through,
then looked at himself in the mirror.
he examined his reflection,
noting the conflict of joy, jealous and loneliness evident in his eyes.
mentally he ran through his feelings,
paraphrasing them into a succint list:

- he was happy he liked jeno
- he was sad jeno didn't like him
- he was happy he had met renjun
- he was sad that renjun only thought of him as a friend
- he was jealous of jeno and renjun becoming close

he just wanted, somehow...
to be with both of them.
but that was impossible.
it could never happen.
or could it?

*****

author's note

finally someone's admitting their feelings *claps*

oh jaemin how little you know...

anyone want to find out what renjun and jeno are doing while this is happening?

coming soon ;)....