dazed and confused - norenmin

twenty one

jaemin

the sky had darkened, the day's vibrancy draining away almost imperceptibly, until suddenly a distant memory.

at least, that's how it seemed to jaemin.

once again, he stood on the beach, head tilted back, trying to recall the particular hue of the sky or the joy in his heart, both of which felt unattainable, slipping easily away from his mind's eye and serenely gliding out of reach.

the ride back to the beach had been almost unbearable. renjun and jeno had tried several times to start a conversation, but jaemin simply ignored them. he didn't trust himself to speak. he knew he was being irrational, that he was only hurting himself by pushing them away, but jaemin was someone who couldn't control his emotions and who overthought everything, working himself up until beyond the point of consolation.

jaemin glanced behind him, and saw renjun standing on tiptoe to whisper something into jeno's ear. his brain tried to reassure him, telling him that they were probably just concerned about him, but his heart twisted everything until all jaemin could see was renjun and jeno, together, keeping secrets from him, and himself, excluded and alone.

lower lip beginning to quiver and eyes becoming glassy with tears,
he willed himself to maintain an unfeeling exterior, to not let them know how raw he was on the inside.
he rubbed his eyes harshly and straightened his shoulders,
fists clenched as the other two boys approached.

jaemin had been concealing his true emotions for the best part of ten years, first from bullies and then from jeno, and the mask of indifference he was desperate to portray was undermined only by the blotchy skin around his eyes and the red crescents on his palms.

i'm fine.
i don't care.
i can't let them in, that would ruin everything.
i have to push them away, even if that means pushing them closer together.
it's for the best.

renjun smiled tentatively at him, small hand reaching cautiously for jaemin's, before he thought the better of it and instead used it to push his glasses further up his nose.

unlike jaemin, renjun's feelings were plain to anyone who read his face.
concern and worry were written there, especially since renjun had no idea what had truly upset the younger boy or how to console him.
if jaemin had even glanced into his eyes, it might have proved to him that renjun did indeed care,
but jaemin kept his gaze resolutely fixed on the sand, and the unspoken message went by unbeknownst.

jeno made eye contact with renjun, and shook his head.
they had decided to give jaemin some space, and not to pressure him into telling them what was wrong,
since jeno knew from experience with the younger boy that this would only serve to worsen the situation.
they would act like everything was okay, until it was, or until jaemin decided to divulge the cause of his anger.

the three boys made their way over to the area of the beach where a large screen had been set up, and people sat on picnic blankets, both families and couples, all with upturned faces, eager and expectant.

jeno laid out the blanket they had brought and stretched out on it, gesturing for the other two boys to join him. renjun did so, and looked up at jaemin, who merely rolled his eyes and backed away, gesturing towards the small snack stall.

"i'm going to get some popcorn or some shit"

with that he turned on his heel and walked off without waiting for a reply.
jeno sighed and ran a hand through his hair wearily.