dazed and confused - norenmin

twenty two

renjun

renjun was distracted.
despite the beautiful evening - the warm, lilting summer breeze off the ocean, the glimmering stars and their reflected counterparts, his favourite film playing on the screen - all he could think about was jaemin.

after a casual introduction, this boy, hyunjin, had spent the duration of the film whispering into the youngest boy's ear as the latter leant against his chest. renjun and jeno sat awkwardly, eyes flickering between the two boys beside them and each other.

what renjun found the most infuriating was that he didn't even have a right to be annoyed. he and jaemin didn't have a romantic relationship (yet), and he had guessed that the other boy had been feeling excluded and unwanted.

there was no way in a million years that renjun would ever want jaemin to feel like that, in fact, all he wanted was for the three of them, jaemin, jeno and himself, to become closer. but he understood the provocation for jaemin's sudden decision to replace them, and knew that he would have to work harder to show the younger boy how much he valued him.

out of the corner of his eye, he caught yet another glimpse of jaemin's flushed cheeks as the younger boy giggled at something hyunjin had said.

at this, renjun decided that he had had enough. he stood up abruptly, and stomped off, back-turned and shoulders hunched as if to put as much distance as possible between his fragile heart and the boy that was doing the damage. in doing so, however, he missed the look of regret that flashed across jaemin's face and the way his eyes dimmed as he watched the older boy's departing figure.

renjun stormed past the snack stall and slumped down into the sand, his actions concealed from the others by the stall itself. he let his head sink into his hands as he struggled to collect himself and order his thoughts.

the boy had always considered himself to be quite rational and able to deal with his emotions, but there was something about jaemin which brought out a new side of renjun, an unpredictable quality that could vary between freedom and wildness. he couldn't control himself around the younger boy, and that scared him. letting out an exasperated sigh, he rubbed at his eyes, trying to prevent the tears that were welling up within him from slipping out and marking his face with sadness.

"wanna talk about it?"

renjun glanced up through lashes sparkling with tears.

an unknown boy, with tousled blonde hair and dimples, was standing in front of him and offering him a friendly smile that spoke of comfort and understanding. renjun trusted him instantly. he nodded almost imperceptibly, but the other boy caught the gesture and sat down cross-legged in the sand beside him.

"i'm chan, by the way."

renjun sniffled as he wiped his nose, but chuckled slightly.

"nice to meet you, chan."

chan's dimples deepened as his smile grew wider.

"may i ask what your name is?"

"i'm renjun."

"nice to meet you too, renjun.
i was just finishing my shift, and i saw you walk past. i noticed you look kinda down, and i always try to make people feel better, so i thought i'd come and talk to you. obviously you don't need to tell me anything if you don't want to, i get that, but i'm here to listen if you wanna get something off your chest."

it was the combination of the kind tone, the sincere gaze and the reassuring yet respectful pat on the shoulder that motivated renjun to confide in chan, a boy he knew nothing about, apart from the fact that he was willing to listen without judgement.

renjun let out a shaky breath, drawing patterns in the sand with a finger to calm himself as he began to speak.

"i'm just...confused.

it's like, i've got these feelings, and they've just appeared and they're so new and fresh and raw and strong and intense and powerful and amazing that it scares me, y'know?

i've never experienced anything like this before. and maybe it's because of that, the fact that i don't know what i'm doing or how i'm feeling or why i'm feeling the way i am, that i messed up.

i really messed up.

it's all my fault, i ruined everything because i'm stupid.

god, why can't i do anything right?"

as the words tumbled out of his mouth they carried waves of emotion; renjun's expression grew darker as the twirling finger became a fist, clutching desperately at the sand, coarse granules pricking at his skin as tears pricked at his eyes.

chan immediately put an arm around the younger boy, rubbing a hand soothingly up and down his arm in a wordless gesture of empathy and supporting renjun as he rode those waves. the older boy knew that it was better to experience these emotions, the good and the bad, even to plunge to the depths of despair, than to bottle everything up inside until eventually everything is muted. even a shadow needs light to exist.

when it seemed as though renjun had let out everything, and was now slowly regaining composure, chan broached a question, glancing at the younger boy's face to see his response.

"these feelings...are they for someone in particular?"

renjun smiled sadly, tilting his head back to take in the night sky as he finally opened up his heart.

"not just one person, but two.

that's what makes this all so hard.
i hurt someone i really care about because i didn't show them that i did, and i'll lose the other just as easily.

they're inseparable, and when i look at them i can't help but think they would be better off without me.

the sun and the moon complete each other. all the stars can do is watch."

author's note

fucking sad hours i'm sorry guys