My Destined Experience

Chapter 1

I woke drenched in sweat, my heart racing like a cheetah. I wanted to scream, but I didn't want to wake my mom. I looked at the clock. It was 4:30 a.m. I stood, shaking and walked over to the window and opened it. I breathed in the clean night air. I breathed four counts in, seven counts hold, and eight counts out.

It was a muggy and hot September night. After my nerves calmed down I sat on the edge of my bed and sipped my glass of water. I couldn't go back to bed. I would not allow the dark unknown to overtake me. Not again.

I slowly sank down to the floor and hugged my knees. These nightmares have been happening for two years. This past summer my mom found out that when I was ten my father had abused me. He had hit me whenever he was drunk and we were alone which was every other week. I kept it a secret until this past summer. I told my mom but she still doesn't know that I have repeated nightmares about him. But I refuse to tell my mom. I felt like if I told her I would be admitting to some embarrassing weakness.

I stayed like that for what felt like a long time. My butt grew numb from sitting on the floor for so long. I dragged my hand across my face and stood up. I climbed back into bed but didn't sleep. I stared at the ceiling. I got tired of waiting for the dreaded sleep to come. I laid there I knew that if I didn't think about the nightmare I just had I'd eventually drift off to sleep.

I thought of the day ahead. The first day of seventh grade at a new school. My family had moved from Washington to Maryland because my mom got a new job. I lost my friends back in Washington. I decided that homes are temporary and that I'd only hold out for things that were permanent. Like my family or my friends. Even if they were 2,704 miles away.

I thought of my new school. I had looked at pictures online but still, this school wasn't just a middle school. It was a pre-k-middle school. I would be entering a school with people that have been friends since first grade since they were four even. I would be the outsider. I would immediately become prey or popular. And I had never been a popular girl. So I would most likely become prey. I was quiet and shy, I wasn't the type that made a big entrance if anything I want my entrance to be noticed as little as possible.

I must have fallen asleep as I sank deeper into my spiral of worry because I woke two hours later to my mom calling "SOPHIA GET UP IT'S TIME FOR YOUR FIRST DAY!!!" It was 6:30, I put on the top I had laid out the night before. It was black with pink flowers all over and had a crisscross V-neck and lace short sleeves and denim shorts. I looked in the mirror at my new shirt, dark circles were under my eyes from the restless night before.

My mom hadn't allowed me to wear make-up so I gratefully put on my glasses to cover the dark circles. They first appeared when I was ten at the same time the nightmares started. I was grateful then and I'm grateful now for my glasses. I exited my room and climbed down the stairs. I started to pack my lunch for the day, grilled cheese and applesauce. I was about to make my breakfast when my mom re-entered the kitchen.

"Hey sweetie, are you excited for your first day?" She asked.

"Um..yeah, but I'm kind of nervous. I mean with it being a new school and all."

"It's ok, you'll do great!" She said optimistically.

"Thanks for the positivity mom," I said.

"How about some waffles since it's your first day and you can have whatever you want for dinner. Sound good?" She offered noticing that I was still nervous.

"Yeah, sounds great," I said, faking a smile. I had become a master at faking joy and happiness over the years. I don't do it because I'm one of those fake girls at school. I do it for any other reason I do things these days for my mom. My mom, she's optimistic and very happy. She expects me to be optimistic, so every day I plaster on a cheerful façade. Until I get to school, then I get to be as doom and gloom as I want.

Today, however, was different. Today was the first day of seventh grade, and according to Alice, my older friend from Washington, seventh is the hardest grade of middle school. It's the middle year of middle school. It's like a middle child of a family, it's overlooked until it acts out. And God does it like to act out! That was her response when I asked her what to expect.

Other kids may groan when they hear this news, but I rejoice! I loved school for two reasons. One, I love, with a capital L, school! I loved learning new material and such. Two, going to school provided a distraction from my miserable life! From every bad thing, I've witnessed. From the terrors that made reality and my nightmares impossible to sort out. Those terrors were always there, even when I had pleasant dreams (which was never) they were always on the edges. Waiting to attack me in my peaceful slumber.

After eating my chocolate chip waffles, my mom drove me to school. I had the same purple backpack from last year and a space-themed lunch box. After mom parked I just sat there staring at my new school. I looked at all the kids waiting outside the school like flood water waiting for the dam to crack so it can destroy the city below. I wanted to puke, but I knew that if I puked then mom wouldn't let me go in because then she wouldn't be able to go to work because she'd insist on staying and taking care of me. And I needed to go in because I needed my happy place slash distraction. I love my mom greater than anything else in the world but it's very close to torture having to fake being happy all the time.

"Sophia, are you ok?" My mom asked.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm-I'm fine," I said still staring at the school.

"Do you want me to walk you in?" My mom offered probably thinking of when I was little and refused to walk into school without her.

"No," I said a little too quickly, seeing that I hurt her feelings I added, "thank you but I just don't want to make you late for work. Love you, also I would like spaghetti for dinner." I pecked her on the cheek and jumped out of the car before I lost my nerve. "Bye," I said as I grabbed my stuff from the back seat. I flung my backpack on and slowly headed towards the flood of students.