Broken Crayons Still Color

"I refuse to lose you"

I sat in her classroom silently

I took a seat at my normal stool next to her desk

The darkness that once surrounded me has return

It took the train and stop at my station

And now my unwanted guest won't go back home

She watch me from behind her desk

Analyzing every inch of my pale white face

From the small frown that laid upon my lips

To the tired eyes from crying late at night

She took notice to the sweater I was wearing

Because deep down inside she knew what hid beneath it

"What's wrong?" She tried to ask

I shrug my shoulders and look away

But of course she wasn't going to give up

She loved me too much for that

I started to play with a toy on her desk

Flipping it over and over again as she ask more questions

"Why are you sad?"

"What happen?"

"Why aren't you talking to me?"

"Is there more?"

I stop flipping my toy and instantly felt my heart drop in my stomach

I always hated that question

I mutter a quiet "yes" and continue with my actions

At this point I wasn't going to get rid of her

"How deep?" She wonder

I shrug again "Not that bad"

For a couple of minutes we were quiet

And then she laid her hand on top of mine and stop me from my distraction

I slowly raised my eyes to her face and the first thing she said was

"Baby you need help"

I huffed

Help?

Who was going to be able to help me?

I have a disease that cannot be treated

No matter how hard I try to get rid of my depression it always returns

I'm too far down deep to get help now

I ignored her concern and shut down her words

I didn't want to hear it nor did I care anymore

But that wasn't going to stop her from trying

She look me straight into eyes

And with a very serious tone said

"I refuse to lose you"

In that instant twleve million thoughts ran through my head

What does she mean by that?

I refuse to lose you

She already lost me a long time ago

The girl I once was is no longer here

She died and the only thing left is the memory of her

I refuse to lose you

Almost didn't make sense until I slowly realize what she meant

You see, I wasn't just some random kid in her class

I was her daughter in every certain way

She cherish me like I was her own

And took care of me during some of my darkness times

We might of not been related in DNA

But we were defaintly connected by heart

I watch as her beautiful face cripled in pain

Her deep blue eyes grew very sad and she lost her shining white smile

It was right there that I begin to have so many regrets

I regret not telling her sooner about what was going

I regret not being honest with her in the first place

I regret my entire decision making process and wish I could take it back

Because I never wanted to hurt her in this way

I tried so hard to do everything to make her happy

If she was having a bad day

I was right there with something to make her feel better

She was my mother and I loved her oh so very much

Too bad I didn't think about that when I decided to relapse

She stood from her chair and walk around her desk

I stayed on my stool as she hug me from behind and began to play with my hair

We watch as the other kids in the classroom goof around and act like fools

She ask if I was mad at her and of course I said no

I'm sure she didn't believe it but trust me when I say it was true

I could never be mad at her

She didn't do anything wrong

The bell rang and I got up from my safe place

Grab my bag and left the room

She didn't saying anything else and instead let me go 

Which was probably one of the hardest things for her to ever do

But my story isn't over

When you find someone who sees the true beauty in you

Loves you even when your being the wrong side of you

Please keep a tight hold of them

Because they are the people who will walk with you

Through the ups and the downs

And still hold a special place for only you in their heart

If I could go back to that day

And replay her words "I refuse to lose you"

Instead of shutting her away

The first thing I would of told her is..

"I love you"