I understand it all now. The instant attraction for reasons apart from the obvious (his face) the constant pull to one another. We had loved the same soul. He may not have loved Elvis in the way that I did but none the less, he loved him and that wasn't always an easy thing to do. It was his soul that had brought us together, left an imprint of each of our hearts. How else would you explain it? Why is he here and why my coffee shop? I never believed in much before but I certainly believe in divine intervention now.
I shouldn't have ignored him like I have, he doesn't deserve it and I'm not entirely sure he can handle it either but it's a lot to take in. Not just the fact that he was Elvis' best mate but that fact he kept it from me.
I should have known he was a soldier. He's got Rupert written all over him. And the leg injuries. He was that friend. He is Charlie. The one who had actually made Elvis seem a little more human. Elvis cared about him in a way I'd never seen him care for anyone and now I do too. I can't help wonder what would have happened if I'd met him when Elvis was still alive.. it scares me.
I picked my arse up off of that floor and I legged it. Always do don't I? When the going gets tough Molly gets going.
I've mostly been three sheets to wind on cheap plonk and/or crying. I thought I'd cried enough for one life time.
I just don't understand it. Did he come here seeking me out like some kind of stalker? Was this really all by chance like he says?
I pull on Elvis coat which drowns me but I don't care and I cry again because it don't smell of him anymore, another comfort lost. I'd moved on from this stage of grief now I'm back firmly stuck, depressed and alone and the worst thing is I know Charles ain't much better off.
He's texts me almost every hour, begging and pleading until I can't take it anymore.
Elvis' best mate. The one who had been too distraught to even attend his funeral. How could I love him now? What would Elvis think of that?
I want to love him. I wanna hold him and stroke his face and massage that fucking leg and clean his place and be part of his life. I want a life with him.
Jackie's face said it all when I told her. Even she felt sick at the connection. Thinks he's a weirdo and said I'd be mental to have anything more to do with him but I believe him when he says it was lady luck.
We do the only thing we know how to do and hit the town in our best dresses up round our arses but my head and my heart ain't in it.
"Was wondering if I'd see you again.. you didn't call"
Bones. The guy with the stupid fucking name and a silly smirk that I currently feel like slapping off his face even though none of this is his fault.
"Probably because I ain't bleedin' interested"
I roll my eyed so far back into my melted head I'm almost looking out the other side of it and he's still bloody talking.
"Well your single aren't you?.."
"Yes.. yes she is" Jackie chimes in and I feel a little bit backed into a corner.
"Actually no. No I'm not fucking single and I'm not interest so if you like him so much Jackie then you bleedin' have him"
I'm out of there like a bat out of hell and into a cab. Why am I wasting my time? Wasting precious minutes, hours and days without him when he's all I want. He consumes my mind and my heart and my body aches without him.
The last time I made what feels like the long walk up to his place it went tits up and if I'm honest, I don't know if this is going to fair much better. But we have to talk and probably shouldn't be doing whilst I'm ratted but here I am.
He looks as distraught as he did when I walked out and all I want to do is wrap my arms around him.
He pulls the door open further and with a flick of his head I'm invited inside.
We stare at each other for a few seconds, unsure who should or who is brave enough to go first.
"I'm sorry Molly. It's was my fault Elvis died. You must miss him..." I pause, taking in this new information.
"More than I ever thought was possible"
He pulls me close to him and uses his thumbs to gently wipe away the tears that have escaped my eyes.
"I close my eyes and he's there. I open my eyes and I'm back to living this life without him. But I don't get what it means? It's like nothing will ever make sense again"
He closes his eyes and swallows hard as if he's about to choke on his pain "It will. And maybe one day you will love again"
These feelings of grief and love and betrayal are overwhelming and once again I bolt because it's the only thing I know how to do when my heart is in trouble. I'm half way down his path staggering, still pissed. This time he's refusing to let me go, this is becoming a bit of a dramatic habit now... me running and him limping after me.
He catches me by then wrist and even that is gentle because if I were him I'd want to grab hold of me and shake me.
We glare at each other and the way he stands favouring the good legs burns me. Time to stop fucking around and making him chase me. Never was one for that kind of game.
"I dream of him. And he's there.. alive. Holding me. Or at least that what they used to be like.. these dreams. They're different now. He's telling me to move on.. to be happy. To let him go"
He's holding his breath "I already do love again Charles. I love you and I know we've been brought together for a reason. I wanna make you happy, I wanna be happy with you"
He lifts me and spins me round like a rag doll and he's sobbing. Sad and happy tears all at the same time.
I kiss his face. Every single inch of it because I've missed it and I've missed him and time apart seems so pointless now. Life is so short.
"What you said about it being your fault... it wasn't. I need you to know that"
He shakes his head "I've carried that with me for so long Molly. The pain. The guilt. It is my fault, I trusted someone who betrayed us and it cost Elvis his life"
I bring my finger up to his lip to shush him because I've read and re-read every single bit of correspondence available to me since his death. None of them suggest that there was anyone else to blame except the bastard who planted and detonated the bomb and Elvis' own recklessness. His selfish belief that he was invincible.
"I'm so sorry Charles. I'm sorry you lost him too, and that you had to see him die. I'm sorry that you've ached and cried like I have but I'm not sorry that I met you"
I realise that the sick feeling in my stomach every time I think of him dying, it's not there this time. I'd always imagined him alone and crying out in pain but Charles was with him. Charles held him in my absence and now I hold Charles. Elvis had bonded us before we even met and I'm convinced he has played a hand in bringing us together because he couldn't be here to love us or take care of us himself. It's taken me awhile to see it. But I finally do.
-OG-
Charles
And now she knows absolutely everything. No more secrets, no more lies. I've been talking for hours and she just listens, the only sound that comes from here are little sobs every now and again. Sobs for Elvis, sobs for me and most importantly sobs for herself. Because she has been just as damaged in all this as me or Elvis. The partners of soldiers often carry just as many unseen scars as the soldier themselves. How can I put her through that again?
"I'm considering a medical discharge"
"Don't make promises you can't keep"
She looks as if she doesn't believe me. I barely believe myself if I'm honest so I won't promise anything. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it for now I just need to hold my girl.
