6 months later
Molly
I really wanted to believe it could work. To believe I could do this, be a soldiers other half again but I can feel myself slipping away.
Fear takes hold of me at random points of my day. Gripping me, making me lose my way and I panic. It's not Elvis I see flying off that roof anymore.. it's Charles.
The desk job didn't last long and he spends more days away now. Currently he's away on a training exercise at Catterick and my heart can't take it. Mrs J was right about me after all, I'm not cut out for him.
He's returned to me battered, bruised and a bit limpy. All signs he's doing too much but he doesn't listen... might as well be talking to the wall, I'd get more sense out of that.
He bounds in late with a bunch of 'sorry' flowers and a kiss on the cheek pretending his leg ain't hurting but I can see it in his face and the way he carries himself, favouring the other side like always after a long week.
"I can't wait to get you out of those clothes" he pants and I still can't resist him so inwardly I vow to give it another try.. to keep going and as much as Jacs tells me she doesn't know why I stay, but I never forget why I stay. It's plain and simple.. I love him more than anything in the world. So I bury the ache in my gut that urges me to run. For the first time ever I'm sticking something out against my better judgement and trust that he won't hurt me. Trust that he'll keep his promise. Trust that this won't be a repeat of Elvis because that really would finish me.
One look at his face and he's relief to be sitting down and I'm massaging his shoulders like a good little girlfriend I am and the warmth of his hand on my forearm is enough to push away the doubts. He's happy and he's here and so what if he fucks off on exercise. He's promised he won't go to war so I can live with that. I can live with mending bad legs and rubbing sore feet and tending blisters because I can't bare the thought of life without him even if I am conflicted when he's not here. But the part of me that stays still wins against the part that cries to leave every time.
We make love like we've been apart for a life time and I can't lie, the time spent apart really does feel like just that - a life time. I have too much time to think and too much time to listen to the devil on my shoulder who encourages me to walk away and I'm confused all over again as he holds my body tight and it's the only thing that's right in the world but it's not right at the same time because of the ongoing battle in my mind.
"Talk to me" he says so softly and his eyes are full of such concern I can't bare to hurt him.
"Just thinking about how much I love you" he smiles and uses the pad of his thumb to trace the outline of my lips before kissing me once more.
"I've been thinking.. about the next step for us and I can't say I'm a fan of being apart. It hurts like hell"
I smile from ear to ear, maybe he's chosen me afterall.
"I think we should move. We could get a place near the barracks and I'd spend less time commuting and
more time with you. Also would cut the nights I have to spend at the barracks because I'd be living near by.. I need you to come with me Molly"
Silly me.
"What about my job? And my friends? What about Elvis?"
He looks absolutely flabbergasted like I've mentioned someone he's never even heard of.
"Elvis? How does he come into this?"
I scratch my head because how does he not come into it?
"I can't go.. I need to be here. My life is here"
He raises his eyebrows and I know we're in for a rough night as he walks away. Stands with his hands on his hips dramatically looking out over the garden.
"Charles?"
"I thought your life was with me... I just can't imagine why you would stall our relationship over someone who isn't even here "
There is fire in my eyes and my belly at those words. The old Molly would have lobbed the nearest heavy object straight at his beautiful face - that would teach him. Instead I walk away because I love him to much to fight him.
The wind battering my face is sobering as I gaze over the sea where I know he is. Where I feel closest to him even though I know he isn't really there, his ashes long since washed away to somewhere lovely I hope.
"What would you do?" I say into the air wishing so hard that he could answer me but I already know the answer. He would move on and be happy. He would want me to be happy.
My back goes up again instantly when I think of Charles' words... his best friend and my fiancé who had brought together but now threatened to tear us apart. I realise now that the thing I haven't been able to put my finger on with Charles has been jealousy. He's jealous of Elvis.
-OG-
I'm further incensed that he didn't bother to come after me and the fight I walked away from earlier is brewing once more. I'm ready for him but he's apparently not ready for me and looks like a sleeping angel. A handsome sleeping angel who's been looking for houses in my absence. He doesn't fucking get it.
I wake him when I slam the laptop closed. Doubt that will work again.
He's apologetic but I'm raging and I let him have it. I let him have it all.
I tell him how much this is hurting me and how I don't want to follow him to some fucking army barracks and lose touch with my life here even if it is a bit shit when he's not around. I don't want to leave my friends. I don't want to leave Elvis. I want him to chose me over the army yet I am choosing Elvis over him and I know it's not fair.
We can't seem to come to any kind of compromise.
"You're choosing him over me who is here in front of you? The one who wants to give you everything?"
"I guess I am"
I watch the colour drain from his face as the realisation of what I just admitted hits us both.
"Well I guess I'm not needed here then" he says but he's rooted to the spot. He doesn't mean it, he doesn't want to go but I make no attempt to fix this even though I'm screaming at myself on the inside to put it right and fast but I can't. I have to put me first.
