Charles
"Cleared"
A word I wanted to hear so badly but now leaves a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I didn't expect to pass. I didn't expect to have to make a choice between, as much as I am ashamed to say it.. the two loves of my life. The army and Molly.
The army has come above everything and everyone in my life so far, even my son.
How do I tell her that it's all I ever wanted... that I want both? I already know it's a deal breaker for her, after all the army has already taken so much from her.
Her face is a picture as I approach the car, like she not quite sure which emotion to give in too. I know she's both anxious and excited about me being given a clean bill of health anxious because it means I have a decision to make, excited because she knows how much I need to be better. She's waited hours for me, another sign of her dedication and my guts are twisting into an even tighter knot because my decision was made the second the stamp hit my medical record.
"How'd it go?"
I can't hide my smile any longer... this nightmare is finally over and she launches herself at me, throwing her arms around my neck and going straight in for a kiss that sends shivers down my spine.
"I'm so proud of you" she cries
I'm not sure what these tears mean. Wether they are happy or sad ones. For the first time I'm finding her impossible to read.. her face says one thing and now her body language says another. She's watching the internal battle that's raging inside me play out on my face. I'm torn and she knows it.
She's ridged and quiet for the entire journey so I brace myself for the imminent fall out when I tell her I don't want out. I also don't want to lose her.
"I won't make you leave the army" she croaks, her voice revealing how emotional she is.
"It means a lot to you, I only realised that today when I saw the look on your face. So I won't make you leave... but I do want you to take a desk job. Surely they'll grant you that considering?"
Words fail me. Even though it would hurt her for me to stay in, she's putting my needs first. Something I'm not used too with previous relationships I've been in.
"I don't want to lose you..:" I take her hand in mine and she's trembling "...but you are right. I want to stay in"
There's no fall out as predicted. No argument. Just a supportive, remarkable woman supporting her partner even though it hurts too. I can never thank her enough.
I can tell she's regretting our planned visit to Bath to meet my parents almost as much as I am.
She's been quiet since her declaration of support and for once I'm okay with the silence. She needs time to process, I need time to plan what the fuck I'm going to tell my mother. I'm pretty sure she'd almost been happy about the most recent injury as everyone was sure the severity of it meant I was finished.
As Bath fast approaches I feel her nerves.
"Did they know him?" She asks shyly
"Elvis? Yes.. they knew him very well. He spent as much time with them as I did before.."
"... before he met me?" She finishes the sentence that was painful for us both. A knife in my gut because I miss him like crazy. And a second blow because he loved her first. I'm jealous of my dead best friend.
