Our Tainted Dream

Bonus: New Year

Daniel's P.O.V

She is beautiful.

She stood on the balcony like a queen staring upon her subjects, the dark blue dress rippling down her body like the most beautiful waves, and I felt my chest warming at the sight of her.

Her eyes, the gorgeous blue stared up at the sky, completely dazed in admiration as she gazed at the little twinkles on the dark canvas.

I found myself unable to speak as a knot forms in my throat, and I stood in front of the balcony door like a complete idiot, waiting for the courage to take a step and confront her. We have kissed, we have wed, we have shared the same bed, the same night. Yet now it felt so different. So special.

"Daniel?" She called, turning as her brown locks swayed with the momentum. I am met with her gaze, and I felt bare to the night's wind.

I took a step, and she smiled, her hands rested on the balcony's railings. "You look..." I breathed out, almost wheezing as I remember to breathe.

She tipped her head, and I took another step. "I look?" She asked, and I saw the little lift of her lips, the laughter she tried to contain.

"Beautiful. No, no, no... Beautiful isn't enough anymore. You look gorgeous, oh, oh lord I'm making such a fool of myself." I muttered, taking in her warmth. We stood close. Close enough to feel each other's breaths. Close enough to touch noses.

"Too beautiful. It's a crime."

She laughed quietly, a tint of pink making way up her cheeks. Then it was silence. The clattering of wine glasses from the dining hall seemed far away. The only sound being the beating of our hearts.

I was at her mercy. And she was at mine. We got lost in each other's stare. We got lost in each other's touch. It felt so sad, so final. We were bare to each other's eyes. She could read me like a book, and she saw the fear in me.

Dear, don't leave.

"I won't leave." She whispered, her hands cupping my face. It was warm. It was perfect. The night was perfect.

She was perfect.

The countdown below was faint, trapped in the background of our minds.

I won't leave.

The words echoed as I pull her close, the words echoed as I touch her face. The words echoed as I kissed her slow.

And I was right. It was final.

Because now I sit by the balcony, the warmth I used to feel now empty and vacant.

The night air, soothing now chilly and cold. People walking by me tapped my shoulder, inviting me inside. But I deny. If only for a second I could see her in that dress again. If only for a second I could feel her touches again, hear her voice, taste her kisses, return her gaze.

Standing here now feels wrong. It's as if she is here, watching over the courtyard; and at the same time pushing me away. Being here is wrong. For me.

Because I was the one who took her life. And now I am grieving. It's stupid. I'm stupid.

I reach out, only for it to pass her imaginary body and fade away. No, she isn't here. She'll never be here again.

Now I can hear it, the countdown. The people cheering as they reach new year. I can hear it loud and clear.

I won't leave, rings over and over.

I take a big gulp of the liquid burning my tongue, the bottle in my hand half empty; and suddenly I am aware of how close the the railing is. I hold onto it, feeling my head buzz with the sensation of alcohol, my body more and more tipsy.

I slide down, aware of the posibility of falling. I fear it, I admit. I fear the thought of death. I fear seeing her again. I fear she will not love me as she used to. I fear that I will lose her the second time.

Though she has assured me she will be here, watching over me should she die; I betray my heart. I'll live this lie, and I will lie. To you, my love, to others.

I will lie, just like how you've lied to me.

I could feel the sensation of 'her' dress brushing me, gliding against my hand. I could hear her laughter ringing at the back of my head.

It feels as if I'm floating; it feels as if I'm falling. I feel vulnerable, I feel weak. I want her to touch me, soothe me, kiss my worries away.

I'm aware of the tears falling, I'm aware of the drunken laughter I play, I'm aware of my hand moving the bottle to my lips, I'm aware of the screaming and cheers despite the countdown ending long ago.

My love, my love, my love.

Oh Leila, you big, big, liar. Look what your beauty has done to me. You've pulled me in, you've made me obssessed.

With alcohol, with cigars, with you, with you, with you.

And at the end I lost you.

Happy New Year.