Her.

6. Pill Bottles.

I feel like I've been driving for hours. My vision is blurred and things are not what they seem. I've been holding onto these pill bottles, contemplating on how to end this. Do I just turn my car into ongoing traffic? Or park and take these pills one by one until my throat burns and my eyes drift close. I don't know if I have the time to wait for this end. If I park my car I'm going to swallow every one of these blue pills. I can't stop driving but I know I need to. If I keep going I'll end up flying out of the windshield. I could run into traffic when the light turns green. I could -

It's the pills I know it's the pills! It has to be for me to try and do this. It's never been like this. I need to breathe. I need to end this. But I know if I do it will hurt everyone I have come across to. Everyone.

If I just drift my car to the left a little the median will clip me off and I know I'll just go flying.

I'm scared that it won't work. That I'll wake up in a hospital bed with everyone asking me why? Why did I do that? They would never see it coming. If it doesn't work I'll have to answer to them.

And I'm scared that if it works I'll have to answer to God.

I need to stop driving or else I'm going to end this. But if I park I'm going to end this one pill at a time, do I have water? How long will it take for my body to shut down? Will it hurt? Fuck.

I can't do this. I can't do life but this is too much thinking. Can this be it? Can God just pull me out of this? Is life a simulation? Is this a test? And what if I fail? If I jump and my body breaks but not enough to take me away, how will I live with myself? I just know I can't do this.

My thoughts are killing me on the inside. I can't even breathe. Shit! I'm swerving I can't even see. I really like this car. Maybe if I park and just take a few handfuls my car will still be sellable. And they could use the funds to pay for the funeral.

I have a lease on this car. Four years. I could wait the four years then run it into a wall. I could wait.

And if I waited I would be just as miserable as I am now. I can't even breathe now how can I wait four years to reach my end?

I should pay off my lease so my parents don't have to when I'm gone. But that's a four year life sentence and I'm ready to be gone.

Or I could park and swallow my way to my end.

How did I end up parked here?? I don't remember stopping... Where am I? It's dark here. Is this a safe spot to leave? To leave this earth? Will someone drive by and stop me or will they think I'm sleeping peacefully?

These pills.

These fucking pills!

Should I swallow one bottle at a time?

Three different ones. Three different kinds. For three different diagnoses. Three different ways my body will shut down.

I think I should take all three. If I wake up from this I think I would be worse off. I have to take all three to be sure it will work.

I think I'm going crazy.

I think I'm going crazy...

Fuck I wish that I could breathe.