Because I'm tired of never defending myself and always tolerating bad treatment, too afraid to speak up;
I thought I wasn't, but I am. Not afraid to be judged, rather... afraid that my words will be twisted against me.
I hate circumstances where you just want to share what has hurt you, you want to be honest and work it out...
Yet the other person takes what you say and makes you feel guilty or leaves you with a halfhearted response, never actually apologising. Sometimes, further justifying their wrongdoing.
In the last year I kinda forgot some of the lessons I learnt.
I forgot to look out for myself.
I tried to hard...
To just please others.
It's my biggest regret due to the universal fact that,
You cannot love or provide for someone unconditionally if
You do not first treat yourself with that unconditional love and consideration.
Nothing is unconditional really...but we should always aspire to be more unconditionally loving.
In the last year:
-I became a doormat again, allowing myself to be walked over continuously and then wondering why I was so worn.
-I forgot that my true identity isn't in opinions, talents or achievements.
- I remembered how lonely and isolated I am and for reasons I can't explain and won't explain, i isolated myself further and created a cycle of self-hatred.
-I felt confident for about two split seconds literally, before all my failures and flaws reminded me of what I'll never amount to.
- I put myself down. A lot. Like I had no idea what I was doing until a loved one literally told me off for having too much pressure on myself and setting far too high expectations, exhausting myself in every way.
I want to apologise to myself. Not out of pity but disappointment for lack of care to these things.
It's hard. I know very well just how hard it is to persevere and though I've put up this front that I'm always doing so and I'm 'oh so resilient', I've failed miserably at that too.
So I'm sorry.
I never wanted this and I'll try to fix it but right now, I need time to heal.
2018 was this wormhole that just had us one moment and regurgitated us the next like a bad tasting meal as dumb of an analogy that is... it's left me feeling very unworthy and impatient with myself and others.
Not what I had in mind, it's life...but I can do better.
YOU ARE READING
Surpassing myself
De TodoWhen my mind can't surpass its own labyrinth of confusion and anxiety I'll jot down my peculiar thoughts in hope of relief. A culmination of some lighthearted outlooks as well as some fairly deep ones that I hope are of some use to many.
