Can't Get Along (Levi X Reader)

5. Breaking Point

Reader POV

Nothing else seemed to change between Levi and me over the next couple of days, not that I really expected anything to change. I actually anticipated that he would act as if that night of closeness never happened. I did notice that he didn't glare at me as much even if we didn't talk often. I was doing my best to suppress my attitude while around him too and it seemed my efforts were paying off at least a little bit. We still had yet to argue over anything and it had already been a week. I was surprised at just how easy it was to get along with the grumpy man when I actually tried to keep my attitude in check.

Hanji had just left from her check in to see how we were getting on with this project and I sighed heavily as I walked back into the sitting room. It was late and starting to get cold in the cabin so I started a fire in the fireplace and sat down on the couch, leaning my head back on it and staring up at the ceiling. Levi had hidden in his room when she started to rant on and on about her experiments on Eren among other things and I was exhausted now but my eyes just refused to close. She'd also ranted on about the things bothering her and while I'd been polite and listened, it got me thinking and remembering all the horrible things of the past year in the Scouts and even farther back when my family was killed during the titan attacks. I had to admit, I wasn't a pleasant thing to be remembering so late in the evening.

I sat there in silence, staring at the ceiling for about an hour as the fire slowly began to die down to much smaller flickering flames. I didn't even look over to my left when I felt the couch dip to signal that Levi had come out of his room to sit with me. He didn't say anything so I didn't feel like I had to speak either and the silence was actually quite comfortable. We probably stayed like that for another hour, the fire reduced to smoldering red embers until I finally broke the silence.

I didn't think about my words before they came out of my mouth, I was just letting how I felt speak for me, something I didn't do very often. "I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass, Levi." My voice was quiet, just a lame whisper as I sat up more and moved to lay on my side on the couch, facing the fire with my head resting on the side of Levi's thigh. I didn't look at him but I knew he was surprised by the sudden contact because he tensed up for a moment before allowing himself to relax again.

We remained silent for a minute or two as Levi tried to find the words he wanted to respond with and when he did speak up, his voice was just as quiet as mine had been. "Yeah, I'm sorry too, brat." I let my lips curl up into a ghost of a smile and closed my eyes when his hand came to rest in my hair. The touch was gentle and warm as he stroked my hair, pulling a few strands of it away from my cheek and eyes to put them behind my ear.

It felt so comfortable to be like this with Levi and I didn't really understand why that was. I mean it wasn't like we were strangers but we weren't what I would call friends either. We weren't close to each other. I was still fuzzy if we were on good terms or not but if we could be like this and not feel awkward about it we must be on good terms, right? But did that really matter?

Levi POV

I leaned my head back against the couch and closed my eyes to just enjoy this silence and this closeness with (Name). I had caught that tiny smile on her face as she lay there quietly and I continued to idly play with and stroke her hair. It was soft and still slightly damp from the bath she had taken earlier in the day. She looked so peaceful and her breathing was so deep and slow that I figured she'd fallen asleep. So when she reached up and took my hand off her head to hold it I lifted my head and looked at her in surprise.

She looked up at me with fear and sadness in her (e/c) eyes that were slightly glossed over with threatening tears. I saw her bottom lip quiver in the dim light of the red-hot coals in the fireplace as she struggled to hold back her emotions. I didn't know what was going on in her mind but she looked so broken and confused. I furrowed my eyebrows in concern, unsure how to deal with this. I wasn't good at handling crying people. I wasn't exactly the best at comforting them.

"I'm not ready for this... I'm afraid to die..." She mumbled, biting her lip and that expression pulled at my heart. I gave her hand a subtle squeeze and frowned as she sat up and rested her forehead on my shoulder to hide her misty eyes. What did mean by 'this'? Was she talking about the expedition in a week's time? Or was she talking about being a Squad Leader? Or perhaps both... I pulled my hand away from hers and shifted to place both of my hands on her shoulders. I gently pushed her away from my shoulder and looked at her as she hung her head. She looked so defeated and lost as if over the course of this past week she had completely lost her reason for joining the Scouts. She had come here so full of hatred and the need for vengeance that she hadn't had room in her heart for anything else and now here they were living quietly together in this cabin away from all the hell in the world that we soldiers dealt with on a daily basis...

"We all are..." I told her, unsure of what else to say that might make this situation less painful for her. "I don't know who I am anymore, Levi... I don't feel anything anymore. I don't understand it. I'm just scared." She whispered, squeezing her eyes shut and I watched a couple of silent tears slip out and down her cheeks. This girl never cried, that much was obvious from the moment I met her a year ago. But it appeared even someone like her that was so strong had a breaking point. I never thought I would be there to witness her reach that point though.

I tensed up when she suddenly hugged me tightly around the shoulders, crying silently on one of them. My frown deepened and I wrapped my arms around her slowly. "I'm scared I'll make a wrong call and that everyone on my squad will end up dead because of it. I'm scared that I won't have what it takes to come back from this expedition alive. I'm scared that I don't feel any more hate driving me to fight. All I feel is hurt and grief over my parents and everyone else who's died trying to fight for humanity's sake. I'm scared that we don't have a chance, that all of this death and sacrifice is all for nothing." Her little crying rant left me speechless. I knew exactly how she felt but I didn't know what to say to make her feel better.

So instead of speaking, I just pulled her into my lap and rubbed her back slowly to let her get it all out. She cried quietly against my shoulder for a while longer before she pulled away, placing her hands lightly on my chest, her head hanging so that her hair covered her eyes from my view but I still watched her intently, waiting to see what she would do or say. "I'm scared that I'm getting attached to you. Everyone I care about dies and I don't want you to die, Levi," she admitted, her voice barely loud enough for me to hear. But I still caught every word.

I could feel my heart drop as it pounded in my chest. I frowned, so she did feel the same about this and about me... I was stunned for a moment but when I came back to reality, I pulled her firmly to my chest, holding her tightly, one hand on the back of her head as she rested her forehead against my shoulder again and the other hand on her back to keep her there against me. And after another long moment of silence, I was finally able to find my words and get my voice to work. "I'm scared of that too, (Name)..."

Not long after that, I realized that she had fallen asleep in my arms and I sighed, leaning my head lightly against hers as she rested while I couldn't seem to find rest tonight. My mind stressed over everything that she had said to me, going over each thing and repeating it. I hadn't realized just how similar we were under it all. We both feared death for ourselves and for those around us. We both feared that all of this might be for naught and that there may really be no future left for humanity behind these walls. And we were both afraid that we were becoming attached to the other in some way or another and that they would die and leave the other alone. What little sleep I did manage to get that night was tormented with past memories of my fallen friends and comrades and nightmares about how this next expedition would turn out...