520 ♡

07 ♡ I could, but I can't

"You already know the answer, don't you?"

The question echoed in his head, and Sehun was unable to deafen it no matter what he did. Such a haunting question, such a painfully harsh question it was for Sehun, and thrown so mercilessly at him without as much as caring for how Sehun would feel about it. It was cruelty, plain cruelty.

"No, I don't..." Sehun muttered, "I don't..."

How he wished he could get back the blurriness, because blurriness was nice, numbness felt good. Focusing was good too, but as long as he was focusing on the wrong things. Right now, he was focusing on all the right things, and it felt so wrong. Wrong. Too wrong.

"Yes, you do," Luhan took a breath before continuing to speak with a voice as gentle as always, "you're just too scared to face the answer, because you're frightened it might not be the answer you hoped for."

"Do you feel like you can't live without Jongin?"

He was eighteen. He was supposed to be mature. He was not supposed to be acting like this, like a whining child who did not know a thing. Such a small matter, it should not be taking over him so easily like this. He should be able to keep this all under control. However, he was able to do anything but keeping everything under control. He was caught up, lost, and he felt so ashamed of himself, because he had expected himself to be capable of much more than this. And he blamed himself, still put all the blame on himself, because he felt so wrong. It was not anything else that felt wrong, but he himself.

"What exactly is keeping you from facing the truth? What exactly do you not dare to face, Sehun-sshi?"

It was the sound of supernatural creatures being killed that filled his mind, the chatter of two sarcastic best friends, the flowing music and vivid images of a skinny boy dancing ever so passionately in front of him. It was the sound of soft sobbing, the whispers of comfort, the blurry flashbacks seen through teary eyes that were triggered inside his head. There was an endless amount of feelings laced through all these memories, all these little things Sehun found so terribly important.

And there was this frightened little child hidden in the back of his head that was so inhumanly scared of something.

"You..." Sehun gulped visibly, face tense, "You ask me whether I feel like I can't live without Jongin..." A sad grin appeared on his lips, "I... I'm scared... I'm scared, because it feels like..."

It felt cold. The thought that lingered in his head made him numb, the conclusion he thought to have found. It was not pleasant at all. Answers were supposed to bring relief, but this answer brought anything but that.

"It feels like I could live without him," Sehun looked up, a single tear escaping his right eye, "but I really can't."

He did not know for sure, and did not want to know for sure, but he felt like he could live without Jongin. It would feel empty, but he could, he would be able to. He was not confident, but he felt like he would be able to live a life without Jongin, and it would feel terribly wrong and it sounded so horribly wrong, but he felt like he could. And that was exactly where the problem lied. Because he possibly could; he just really, desperately did not want to.

"Sehun-sshi..."

He slowly forced himself to look up – he felt the need to – and met Luhan's eyes once again. They spoke a thousand comforting words, in all the possible ways, and for that moment, that one moment, it really felt as though Luhan understood him. Understood just what this mind belonging to Oh Sehun was thinking. He did not judge, he did not spoke a word of criticism. He simply understood.