520 ♡

12 ♡ Why me? Just because.

Sehun often asked himself whether the truth really did anyone any good, because at one point you tried to fill the gaps with so many hopes and believe that the truth could only hurt. At one point you filled the holes with the grand imagination of a naïve child that only wanted a story with logic. A story that made sense. For every consequence, there was a reason. There was a reason why certain things went as they went, and in order to make this story flow smoothly, things would be added and changed. All to make it fit with the truth one wanted to see.

And it made one happy the way things were in the head.

So, Sehun thought to himself, why was there ever the need to tell anyone the feelings he harbored for Jongin? Why was there ever the need to tell the world that he was a foolish boy who was afraid to love? At one point, he filled all the gaps with Jongin feeling the same for him, thinking the same as him, and they would be together forever. There would be no Kyungsoo, no Taemin, nobody. Just the two of them. And that would be enough. That would be more than enough.

He believed that Jongin must have done the same, must have filled some holes with his own wishes. Now that he thought back about it, he was certain Jongin must have believed, must have filled those gaps with tears in his eyes, because Sehun had left him in the cold and he was left on his own to defend himself against the bitter coldness of rejection. Jongin must have had it hard, pretending to have never confessed and to have never had his heart crushed by his best friend.

So, was it better to tell Jongin the truth? That he had fallen for a boy who was too frightened to admit he had felt exactly the same? Would it do Jongin any good if Sehun were to tell him that, back then, they could have been more than just best friends if Sehun was not such a scared little kid? He figured the truth would do neither of them any good. Sehun cried his heart out when he realized Jongin had loved him at that time. Jongin would cry his heart out when he realized the reality of that time. Reality hurt. Reality really hurt sometimes.

Yet, here he stood, in front of Jongin's house, not because he wanted to but because he felt he had to. Because rather than living with the incomplete truth, Jongin deserved to know. Sehun finally admitted to himself that he had been in love with Jongin back then, and Jongin deserved to know. Only then could their friendship keep on going. With any more lies and holes filled with wishes, there would be no more strong strings to hold onto anymore. And Sehun did not want that. Jongin meant too much to him.

It did not take long before he pressed the door bell, and it was not long before he heard rushing footsteps inside the house. It was, however, excruciating long before the door opened and revealed Jongin.

"Sehun..." Jongin spoke with eyes widened in surprise, "why are you-"

"I... I need to talk to you." Sehun said softly.

"About?" Jongin said, before a wave of sadness filled his eyes, "Look, I really don't-"

"Back then, the most unlucky person in the world... He..."

Sehun's nervous gaze locked with Jongin's uncertain one. For a moment, there were flashes, images inside Jongin's eyes he was certain were memories that belonged to the both of them. For a moment, he was so close to crying about what could have been, because when it came to Jongin his heart was always weak, always wavering. No matter how many times he told himself that Jongin and he could never be, and that Jongin had Kyungsoo and he had Luhan now, it never took away the fact that at one point, the two of them really were in love. They really were in love with each other. And that fact was stronger than anything else Sehun had ever known.

"He loved you."

He saw the single tear escaping the corner of Jongin's eye, and it made him try to imagine how much the impact must have been. How much would it hurt Jongin? Too much. Probably too much.