520 ♡

10 ♡ Nobody ever stayed

As always, avoiding Jongin was impossible. And Sehun could feel the significant blow their relationship had received because of this pathetic hide and seek game. He noticed clearly how Jongin would look at him, disappointed yet always longing, and it crushed Sehun, crushed him hard. It broke him because he was not ready for this. He was not ready for this all. He had been a fool, he had been stupid, but he was not yet ready to face the consequences. He was not yet ready to face reality.

So maybe that was the reason why he would rather not meet Luhan anymore. Because if he did not meet Luhan, he would not risk the chance of somehow meeting Jongin at the bus stop or in the bus or whatever situation could occur where he would have to face the other. And it was not like Sehun did not know that what he was doing was foolish, was utterly childish, but he was only protecting himself right now. He was already losing Jongin to Kyungsoo. There was no need to face the past or the present. He might be immature, but he just was not ready to break completely yet.

Even though that might be the case, he found himself drowning in some kind of pool of sadness, of negative thoughts that got inside his body through little openings on his skin. He found himself on the edge of crying because pretending was not easy, avoiding was almost impossible, and he was so, so tired. He found himself, hours later after school had ended and he was supposed to be making homework but the words had been floating in front of his eyes, waiting for the bus to come and praying that Luhan would be on it. He wished that he would be able to talk to Luhan, because if there was anyone who would be willing to listen to him, it would most probably be Luhan.

"And I told you to tell me if it's the same or not."

Sehun had been so close to saying that it was, that closure was the same as letting go, but the look in Luhan's eyes had stopped him, had made him rethink about his answer, his belief. Yet, he still could not find a reason to think that the two were not the same, but maybe, just maybe, Luhan would give him an answer someday. That was what brought him to the bus stop anyways. Somewhere inside of him, there was a part of him that was completely wary about this all, about his trust in Luhan, but Sehun believed that Luhan and he shared a bond of some kind that could make it all possible. It was some internal conflict and neither side was winning at the moment, but Sehun wanted to let the trust side win. He wanted to trust, believe, but it would depend on Luhan's reaction. Sehun could so easily chicken out with just one word from the other party, so it really, really depended on whether Luhan showed any sign of wanting to bear a Sehun that broke down.

"Sehun-sshi," Luhan said with a smile when he looked up to meet Sehun's eyes.

Sehun smiled back sincerely, a little shy all of a sudden, "Luhan-sshi."

"How are you doing?" Luhan asked curiously.

Sehun took place on the other side of the seats at the back, glancing at Luhan while a shy smile danced on his lips. If he were honest with himself, he knew the reason was because he wanted to see Luhan, but he never liked being honest to himself, so he did not acknowledge that as the reason.

"I wanted to experience a good bus ride to clear my mind," Sehun said instead.

Luhan nodded his head understandingly, "And it had to be this bus?"

Sehun nodded his head in synchrony with Luhan's, "And it had to be this bus."

They both broke out into laughter after this for no good reason other than that they both wanted to. It felt good to laugh too. Way too good. And Sehun noticed how Luhan's eyes would turn into crescent moon shapes, making his eyes look smaller than they really were, and he could see the corners of Luhan's lips turning upwards, and maybe he liked that a little too much too. Maybe he liked it all a bit too much, liked the sound coming out of Luhan's mouth a little too much, enjoyed the fact that he was spending time with Luhan a little too much, but it all did not really matter to him. All these things that were too much were nothing he was going to complain about. Never.