520 ♡

09 ♡ Love, oh love

Sehun should have already expected himself to step into the all too familiar bus. Honestly, it should not have surprised him by now, and it really did not. Unconsciously, he already knew he would be going back to the bus boy, would go look for him in order to find some kind of peace amidst collapsing chaos. For all sorts of reasons he could not put into words, he felt this urge to see the bus boy. Maybe it was because Luhan already knew so much, that there truly was no barrier anymore that stopped him from pouring out his heart's content.

"Sehun-sshi."

Luhan's voice sounded like honey to his ears. It really sounded pleasant. It made him feel a little better for no particular reason other than that it soothed his disorganized heart. There was at least Luhan, who was himself waiting for someone, and who did not mind healing a broken heart in the meanwhile. It made Sehun grin sadly to think that his heart was broken, because then it would mean as if it was never broken to begin with. Because he had never lost anything, never gained anything that was taken away from him, yet he felt as if everything had slipped out of his hands. Instead of calling it broken, it might as well have been an empty heart. It was a heart that felt as though things that were never its possession had vanished, and all that was left was bitter regret.

Luhan eyed him with concern, "Sehun-sshi, are you okay?"

No, I'm not, Sehun wanted to scream, but so powerless and useless he felt at that moment that no strength was left inside of him to make him open his mouth, let alone scream out. So he simply sat in front of Luhan, greeting the other with painful silence, while he himself punished himself with the loud voice of a furious mind.

"Sehun-sshi, if you want to talk-"

"Please," Sehun closed his eyes as he leaned his head against the glass, "don't talk to me right now."

The last thing Sehun wanted right now is to talk, to speak. The last thing he wanted was to explain why he did what he did and why he never did what he wanted to do. All he wanted was silence and time, and some company while he was at it. He should have showed more appreciation for the comfortable silence he got from Luhan, but that would be something he would do another time. Right now he just wanted to be selfish. Right now all he wanted to do is pretend everything was not his fault, and he never did anything wrong.

From the moment he deleted the text message Jongin had sent him to the face that he did not gave Jongin a reply, a few words for closure, he had been trying to protect himself. He was frightened, scared to death to face reality. Specifically, he was scared to face what might become a nightmare. If Jongin had told him that he really liked someone, what would Sehun have done? Would he have supported him wholeheartedly? He most probably would have, but there would always be this feeling gnawing at his subconscious, pulling him into a pool of evilness and insecurity. Reason was because he did not want to be left alone, did not want to lose Jongin, because people stepped into and out of his life way too easily and he simply could not take it.

So he built a wall around himself.

A large wall to protect himself from relying too much on others but too little on himself, because without this defense, without this coping style he had created for himself, he would break mercilessly. As long as he let others rely on him, as long as he made sure that people still needed him somehow in their lives, people would not go. People would not go.

It was a kind of childish foolishness that the world would most probably look down on, since nobody really ever understood him. Nobody really ever took the time just so they could sincerely care about him. They would just listen, get close a little, and make Sehun wanted to open up and then leave. Maybe he was not worth the care, was not worth the love he was craving for so much, because if he did, people would not leave him on his own. People would not play around with him as if he was just a toy with no feelings. People would not rely on him as if they were escaping from death, but then leave without healing a broken boy.