**Featured on DARK FANTASY and ADULT FICTION reading lists**
WARNING: EATING OR DRINKING WHILE READING THIS STORY IS HIGHLY INADVISABLE.
Once Upon A Time, Good Omens, Monty Python, and Arrested Development had a back-alley three-way and birthed a f...
The world flickered, and Lorred D'Kay's attention turned westward. The girl was doing something...he could almost...yes, there was another chip off the seal as more power flooded into him.
"Yessssssss..." he hissed drinking it in.
"Nooooo..." said another voice, which abruptly cut off.
Lorred looked down and swore. He hated missing the moment of death. He'd become too distracted by his increased powers and crushed his victim's heart in its chest. He pulled his hand out of the salesman's chest, leaving no mark.
"Natural causes," he chuckled. "They always think it's natural causes." He shook his head at humanity's ability to only see what they desired. This one had desired to see him as a gullible idiot whom he could get to purchase a completely unnecessary amount of shaving cream for a "discount" if he bought in bulk. Even better, if he signed up that day, he could become a distributor of the "best shaving cream ever created," and become rich.
"No sales ability required, (not true) the product is so good it sells itself! (It didn't) You just need to get it in front of people," he said.
"An unprecedented opportunity!" He called it.
Of course, he didn't know Lorred could tell the shaving cream was mostly made of sheep urine mixed with sheep milk, and "fragrance,"* whipped into a froth. Lorred graciously entertained his entire sales pitch, and then, being the merciful man-shape he was, he put him out of his misery.
He stood up and surveyed the small van the man was selling his "product" out of and realized that he had indeed come across an unprecedented opportunity. He looked down at the dead salesman on the side of the road and gave him an appraising look, and with a wave of his hand, the product turned from curdled urine-milk to drug-laced shaving cream which smelled exactly like what every man wanted to smell like, and left the skin feeling silky smooth. Everything about it was addictive, and the chemicals would quickly leach into the body, causing syphilis-like lesions in the brain.
Lorred was still a long way from the castle, but now he had a vehicle, and with five days left until the full moon, he could take his time causing as much chaos as possible. A van full of insanity-inducing addictive shaving cream seemed like a good start. He waved his hand again and every bottle of the stuff had a new logo. The van had a new logo, and he outfitted himself to match. Branding was key. The logo was an omega symbol, best known for symbolizing the end, in gold on a black background.
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OMEGA SHAVE The Last Shaving Creme You'll Ever Need
He shrugged, the tagline could be better, but the stuff was addictive. Also, he liked the truth of it; they'd never need another. Because eventually, they wouldn't be shaving... or thinking, or working, or breathing.**
He was about to hop in his truck to find his first victims...er...customers, when a passing trailer pulled off on the opposite shoulder and a burly man yelled from the window.
"Hey mister!" He growled. "What's that you got there?"
Lorred grinned, he should have known, his products always sold themselves. Unlike the sheep piss the salesman in the gutter was trying to sell, his product truly didn't require any sales ability. The trucker left with ten samples for himself and his friends. It was a good start.
Had Fate been driving any slower, if Rose had been able to focus on anything other than keeping her hair out of her eyes and mouth, or if Gerald's motion sickness hadn't overcome all of his senses, they might have noticed when they passed a black van on the side of the road with a line of people a half a mile long.
Lorred D'Kay sensed them as they sped by and smiled to himself. He knew they'd meet at the castle at the appointed hour - when the moon was full and the stars aligned, just like the day Rose was born. He would be ready. He looked out at the line of people stretched out down the road - and so would his army.
__________________________ Next time on The Dark Heir... Organized Chaos. A king is discovered. A ring is lost - well it was lost before but only now realized it was lost. _________________________
* "Fragrance" = nasty, undisclosed, poorly regulated chemicals which make something smell good.
** OMEGA SHAVE is a product of Darkness Unlimited Inc. Any use of Darkness Unlimited Inc. products is a result of user free will, and the corporation is not responsible for potential consequences or side effects. Side effects may include dermatitis, rash, weight loss, cold sores, dry mouth, aches and pains, fever, migraines, nose bleeds, diarrhea, constipation, night sweats, increased thirst, weight gain, jaundice, painful urination, sterility, tissue necrosis, numbness (emotional and physical), abnormal gait, forgetfulness, trouble speaking, hair loss, blindness, seizures, depression, murderous rages, visual and auditory hallucinations, terminal psychosis, and death.
