A Letter a Day (Sequel to Broken but Mended)

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Leo's POV

"Don't be fooled by me,

Don't be fooled by the face I wear

For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-

masks that I'm afraid to take off

and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me

But don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure

That all is sunny and unruffled with me

within as well as without,

that confidence is my name

and coolness my game,

that the water's calm

and I'm in command,

and that I need no one.

But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,

My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.

Beneath swells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.

But I hide this.

I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weaknesses

and fear exposing them.

That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.

They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,

To shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,

my only salvation,

and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,

and if it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself

from my own self-built prison walls

from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.

That glance from you is the only thing that assures me

of what I can't assure myself,

that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.

I don't dare.

I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh

and your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good

and you will see this

and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game

With a facade of assurance without

And a trembling child within.

So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,

Any my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.

I tell you everything that's nothing

And nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine

Do not be fooled by what I'm saying

Please listen carefully and try to hear

what I'm not saying.

Hear what I'd like to say

but what I cannot say.

I dislike hiding.

Honestly.

I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,

the superficial phony game.

I'd really like to be genuine

and me.

But I need your help, your hand to hold

Even though my masks would tell you otherwise.

It will not be easy for you.

Long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.

The nearer you approach me

The blinder I may strike back.

Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;

I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.

You wonder who I am?

You shouldn't

for I am everyman

and everywoman

who wears a mask.

Don't be fooled by me.

At least not by the face I wear."

I looked at Nico, who had his eyes closed and a smile on his lips.

"I really like that poem Leo." Nico said, his voice soft.

"So do I."

"I like the words themselves, but I really like it when you read it." I smiled and kissed him. "I'm sorry for everything Leo, I really am."

"It's okay Nico, as long as you don't do it again."

"I swear on the River Styx I won't do it again Leo." I smiled and held his wrist gently, kissing every scar, and then I kissed his lips again.

"Thank you." I whispered.

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A/N THE POEM IS NOT MINE MY LANGUAGE ARTS TEACHER READ IT TO US DURING CLASS THIS WEEK AND IT'S BY SOME GUY THAT I FORGET BUT IT. IS. NOT. MINE!!!!!!!!!!! Okay sorry. Anywho this was sort of a filler chapter thing, but I really wanted to put the poem in because I thought it was absolutely 100% perfect for this story. But ugh yeah that's all I've got for now, bye! I might update again this weekend but I don't know. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!