Notes to Ashton.

chapter 6

Dear Ashton.

7 weeks.

7 weeks of you guys being gone.

7 weeks of not hearing from any of you. including Luke. I know you guys are busy but I wanna hear at least one of your voices.

im losing my mind and I cant do anything about it. im so weak. so tired of everything. I haven't written a note for 7 weeks. sorry I guess.

I stopped eating. not meaning too it just kinda happened because im not hungry anymore.

mom has noticed and its killing her but I always tell her I already ate. she thinks im depressed when I already know I am. and its not your fault. its my own. I just, whats the correct word for this?

despise myself.

you have no idea how much I wish is could be someone thats perfect. someone that has friends. someone who can actually get a damn life.

I just don't know what I wanna do yet and I guess thats my fault for not knowing.

Ashton i need you. that sounds crazy, like really crazy but its true. you got my mind off things while you were around. 

god i need to stop writing because im just embarrassing myself way too much. 

but i guess i should stop for now.

i threw the notebook across the room and ran my hands through my hair. i was curled up into a ball in the corner of my dark room. i dont know why i picked the corner but i feel safe over here. thats weird i know. i got up and went to the bathroom and took a shower letting all the stress wash off me, but once i got out the bathroom i looked at myself and wish i didnt. i walked to my room letting the towel fall on the ground and got dressed in gym shorts and a shirt. i went to my bed and got under the covers and fell asleep wishing i was gone.

*

i woke up to the sound of my phone going off and i reached for it as it laid on the bed side table. i grabbed it and answered the phone putting it up to my ear. 

"hello?" i said in a morning voice which was deep and groggy.

"Cam?!" i heard a worried Luke scream through the phone and i sighed. happy that i get to hear his voice, but knowing he's only calling because he is pittying me. 

"what" i snapped already fed up with it all. 

"Your mom called Ash saying how she's worried about you. about you being depressed and not eating."

"you don't need to worry about it. im perfectly fine. i have always been fine Luke. no need to worry about me when you have bigger things to worry about. you are living your dream. so leave me alone and live it. i dont wanna be in the way."

"god damn it Cameron! i worry about you because i care about you! why cant you accept that im here for you no matter what." he yelled through the phone. i flinched and shut my eyes tightly. 

"im coming home" i snapped my eyes open and sat up. 

"no Luke you cant do that. you cant just drop everything and leave. especially not  for me" i cried out

"well too bad because we are already on our way home. they boys are fine with it. we are already assigned for another tour, but with a bigger band. we have everything covered. you need me more than anything and im not gonna leave you behind when you need me" 

"let me talk to Calum" i said

"what?"

"let me talk to Calum" i told him and i heard the phone being passed over. 

"hello?" 

"why did you let him do this?" i yelled

"look it wasn't even his idea. because he thought that we were not allowed to leave, but our manager said for us to come back home to be with you. he already has us booked for a opening act for One Direction in a couple of months so that's better than the band we were opening for anyway."

"im ruining your dreams"

"no. your not. we all love you and since Amy called Ashton him and Luke have been going crazy" i heard someone yell in the back ground and Calum saying oops. 

wait, Ashton actually cares?

for some odd reason my heart fluttered at the thought of him actually caring for me. 

"now open the damn door" i looked out my window and there they were, getting out the bus walking to my door with bags in there hands. i hung the phone up and ran past my mom and opened the door attacking Luke in a hug. 

"god i missed you so much" i cried and he dropped all his stuff and wrapped his arms around my waist holding me close to his chest. making me feel safe. 

"i missed you too babe, i missed you too"