BTS - G̴̼͑̒L̶͙͗̒̚I̷͙̭̋̍̉T̴̢̳͖̐͝C̷̺̱̏̋͠Ḥ̴͖͑̽E̶͇̰̊̒̃D̴̲̼̉̆͝ #WATTY'S2019

26

the euphoria was before I jumped,
I saw all our beautiful moments flash before my eyes

chapter 5: not everyone lives to see the sunrise

-

It was cold outside, the snow starting to melt yet the skies still white and pure. On days like these Jimin wishes he was a cloud, floating in the skies, their tears beautiful even on the darkest of days. The clouds were free to rest in the sky forever, their emotions merely beautiful metaphors for horrible weather on a winter's evening. Though he was already cold inside from lack of flesh on his bones, sitting outside in the cold air was like a reminder that he wasn't the only thing that's cold on days like these.

Yoongi is asleep, getting some well deserved rest (unlike in real life, give them a break), so that leaves the ravenette to sit outside on the balcony attached to Namjoon's room and watch over a small ravine and ice river in the nearby forest from above. The silver haired man's home was situated in a beautiful place on the very edge of the city, where the highways inwards started and the open land remained.

He takes this time to think.

Think a lot. Which he does, a lot. But all he thinks about is food. What food he'll have to eat, why he has to get better, no.. I can't get better... I'm not even sick. Jimin breathes out, looking back at the beautiful scenery.

He wishes it was spring again.

Because when it's spring the grass comes in bright green, filling the valleys with hope and dreams. The sky becomes blue, and clears away, cumulus clouds sometimes clumping to rain over the newly grown grasses. Then the flowers bloom. Oh, the flowers. Jimin loves the flowers. So beautiful and colourful, filling empty fields with rainbows and neighbourhood lawns with a feeling to share. His favourite flower has always been a gardenia. Because they remind him of himself. Small and bright, growing together like clouds. Yet they also wilt quickly. Wilting away on a warm summer's day, not noticing how quickly they shrivel into nothingness.

You're pathetic, really. There's the voice again. You can't even do what you used to love, because you got so weak. Maybe if you starved better, you could be beautiful.

"Shut up, Ana." Jimin whispers, knowing very well that the voice in his mind wasn't a real person but it somehow brought him comfort by separating his own being with it.

Not unless you go look in the mirror. I want you to see how fat you are. Especially since that lilac kitten keeps stuffing your fat ass with shit. The voice mocks.

"He's not stuffing me with shit, I haven't even gained five pounds. You and I both know I'm still at ninety, I can barely eat an apple."

Well you could've avoided it. You could've avoided that time yesterday when he got you to eat a cherry tomato. Do you know how many calories are in that? That's right. Three fucking calories. Do you want to gain three pounds? No, you lard ass.

Jimin sighs and pulls out his phone from his pocket, going into his camera roll out of boredom. Among the hundreds of body checks he scrolls past, there's also screenshots of 'inspiration', and 'tips' which never worked. He scrolls past so far that he gets to a video clip from his Highschool years. He furrows his eyebrows, opening it.

It's a video from one of his dance competitions, he smiles at the fond memory.

The clip ends and he takes a hold of the railing, slowly lifting himself up onto his feet. You know, that was the time you passed out afterwards. Ana says, as Jimin shivers in the crisp air.

"I wish I were free." Jimin chuckles, feeling the winds pass through his black hair. He thought that he'd be be happy with himself at this point, but it was the contrary. He thought he'd feel ethereal and light, like he was floating, an angel. He thought he'd be small and cute like a little flower, engulfed in small sweatshirts. He thought he'd finally feel beautiful. But he feels hopeless and like he's lost control, he feels empty and sickly and hurting all over from the bruises covering his emaciated body. He feels weak and worthless, undesirable and unable to do anything.

He finds himself wishing he was in good health again, able to sing and dance like how he did in freshman year of Highschool. He finds himself wishing he could laugh and smile with friends at a restaurant, without his thoughts being muddy and covered with trying to find a way to avoid the calories. He finds himself wishing..

That he could have his life back.

—

A/N

Heya
So this is a short part on how Jimin feels and what he's going through just so you guys can get his current mindset a bit more, since I haven't elaborated much aside from the generic anorexia symptoms.

Please let me know if I depict anything incorrectly! I'd like to make sure it's written well.

Spoiler thingy: Next chapter will be on Jungkook, then Namjoon after that.