Orphanage AU: Lams

Chapter 51: I Love You

Ok so awkward? Yes. Good? Maybe not. I suck at this.

---Alex's POV---

I didn't look at John the entire time I told my story, from when I told him about my illegitimate birth to my father's skipping to my mother's death and my poverty all alone, to my cousin's suicide to the hurricane that destroyed my town, to Jefferson explaining to me what I already knew inside.

"He was right," I narrated flatly, trying not to cry. "I'm just a mess of pain and danger and memories and I try to hide it behind a bunch of academic bullshit as justification for my- my... for me."

I had completed the narrative, and how there was nothing less to do but meet John's eyes. I detested witnessing the war of hate, disgust, and the shred of pity that undoubtedly was raging in his eyes, but when I gazed at him, I just saw pain... admiration?...Love?

I wasn't, at least in his eyes, a wretched monstrosity. An altogether much better reaction than what I had dared to hope for.

He shook his head. "But Alex, he's wrong. That's not who you are! Can't you see? You're so incredible-"

"Just an act. For me as much as anyone else."

"I'm not talking about academics."

I blinked, dumbfounded. What did he mean?

"I'm talking about who you are. You suffered through all that loss and here you are now, in America, with a group of friends that clearly worship you, a list of people you've actively helped to overcome huge obstacles, myself included. If Mother died when I was twelve..." he trailed off, trying to envision his world as such as I gaped at his earnest words. It felt like he was making these glorious things about me, except that I was incapable of pointing out where he strayed from the truth. I never had considered it the way he did, though.

"You help kids every day to learn to be happy even without their parents. You helped Sally out of her situation, Maria out of hers, James out of his. You inspire people to help themselves." John continued relentlessly, ticking his fingers to represent the multitude of positive things I'd done. I wondered where he got his information, and figured James. His connection to Thomas would explain how he knew about Sally and Maria, Thomas being close friends with James R. And James would know firsthand how I'd inspired him to...

"What did I do for James?" I wondered out loud as I watched John wiggle his counted fingers for emphasis.

John smiled softly, probably eager to tell me. "He told me you inspired him to demand answers from Thomas." His sharp green eyes darkened as he spoke the name with venom I had never heard in his voice before, stoking a warmth in my heart at the loyalty in his new level of hatred.

I congratulated myself on guessing his source of information.

"Thomas told him they were friends. You gave him the courage to choose that over something... undefined, somewhere in the middle." Wow. I felt a twinge of pride warm my heart at the mention of this step. It was one James was meant to take a long time ago, and watching him had been hard for everyone who cared about him. James had been bowing to Thomas' ambiguity for as long as they'd been a not-thing.

"Wow," I whispered, "that's really wonderful."

John hesitated for a split second and then softly took my bandaged hand, a trace of a blush showing on his cheeks. "Yeah," he agreed eagerly, "It really is."

I wasn't quite fully decided about the long run yet, but I knew one thing: I was not preparing to perish within the next upcoming minutes because John freaking Laurens was holding my hand!