I saw a video of him today.
I didn't mean to.
Nor did I want to.
I didn't realise how much I've missed him till I saw his precious face, and listened to him talk.
I never thought I'd feel this way towards him again. Anyone really.
But it turns out I still care about him more than I should, I don't even know why or how.
I miss him.
I hate admitting it.
It's undeniable.
And I know damn well it's wrong.
I don't want to feel this way.
Not to him or to anyone.
I can't trust anyone with anything.
I hate him for being so sweet and an ass at the same time.
I hate him for making me happy.
I hate him for hurting me and turning me into a fragile soul.
I hate him for making me someone who doesn't trust people.
I hate him for leaving me this broken.
I hate him for making me love myself.
I hate him for loving me.
I hate him for everytime he broke my heart.
I hate him for everytime my world stopped because his words were so painful.
I hate him so much for every broken piece in my heart and brain.
I hate the way I miss him and the way I still care about him.
And the way I still have feelings for him.
I hate the fact that I can't hate him.
Even though he was no good, I miss him so much.
..
Two weeks ago or something, I found out that he has unfriended me and unfollowed me from every social media platform, it broke the last few pieces left of my heart.
I despise the way it felt.
The way such a small move turned on so many feelings inside.
I was so shocked I wanted to cry and scream and fucking call him out on it.
I never wanted our relationship to end this way.
Never.
I never wanted us to end up strangers and not talking.
Well not completely strangers, a stranger doesn't have this much affect on you, you don't have so much memories with them, and you don't care about them.
Him removing me from his life like this broke me, I know he's trying to move on but it still hurts.
I will be happy for him when he moves on, I hope I can do the same.
Idk.
