When Love Bites

16 Compromise

Chapter 16 Compromise

Now she was hurt too, despite that not being my intention there didn't seem to be a way around that. She was also angry all over again. It's funny how those two emotions co-exist. I wasn't angry. I didn't have anything to be angry about. I wasn't relieved or relaxed. I still hurt, some of that was mine, and some of that was the hurt I felt I had caused her. I had to own that just as she had to own the hurt she caused me. I closed my eyes. We were still connected. I was still holding her. In all of that, I never let go. I rubbed her back. "I can feel that." I kissed the top of her head. "I'm not asking you to defend yourself. I'm not asking anything. I'm just sharing with you what we are up against. You could probably explain half of that until you're blue in the face and it still won't penetrate my thick skull. There is no around this, no over, no under and I am not expecting to find one, so we'll need to go through it, I'd like to do that together. There are some things I don't know that I can change even though I recognize a need to. I will try. There are some things that you cannot change whether you recognize a need to or not, I can only hope that you will try. There has to be something in all of this mess that we can use to break through the wall and I am sure that we will find it. You can tell me what you want to. I'm just asking that you don't come at it from a point of anger because metaphorically speaking, the wall only gets stronger when you throw anger at it. So I am asking you to think about what I said. I mean really think about it analyze it and use it and help us find a solution to this problem. Lizzie it hurts. It hurts all over and now we are both hurt and you're angry at me because I hurt you. I get that, it was not my intention, but I understand that it hurts." I didn't want to let her go, but if she moved or tried to I would open my arms for her and let her move as she needed even though I needed her where she was.

I tried to push the anger away. It wasn't going to get us anywhere. The hurt wasn't going anywhere. I felt like I needed to write. That is how I communicate best. I didn't think he would get that, so I guess I would find the vocal strength to get the words out. I couldn't look at him though. It was easier to push the anger away if I didn't. I swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths. I kept my voice soft and my tone even. "For 27 years, almost 3 decades, my life has been an open book. It was how I was raised. I have always spoken openly and honestly to my friends and family. 9 months ago I met an amazing human being who flipped my heart and my life upside down. I honestly wasn't even looking for anything and then I fell head over heels in love. My natural instinct was to tell the people in my life about that, but I couldn't because that man values his privacy and I respect that. Then time went on and I, a normal person, not a celebrity, got involved in a deeper relationship with this amazing man. My friends and family have never met him and I can't even tell them his name when I have always been open about everything in my life. They ask me if I am in an abusive relationship because I don't talk about him. I assure them that I am not. They say oh you have been with him for 6 months or more now, where are the pictures? Who is responsible for you being the happiest you have ever been? And still I say nothing, give them nothing, because of the respect that I have for the human in my life who loves me and treats better than I have ever been treated. I move in with said human, but still, have no proof of his existence. So I must be delusional and making him up." Now the tears were running down my face. "Every time I talk to a loved one, I walk a tightrope, praying I won't slip and accidentally say your name, or tell a story that I shouldn't." I swallowed and continued. "I'm sorry that I caused this hurt in you. I really am. Every day I am at war with myself. I am so happy that I have earned the love of this beautiful human. I am also very frustrated and sad that I cannot share it with my friends and family." I didn't move, I could hardly breathe. I just left it all in the table and hoped he understood what I was saying. "I feel like we are on different sides of the Grand Canyon here. I would love to find some kind of compromise, but it doesn't seem possible. I can't make promises, but I will try."