When Love Bites

15 What Hurts the Most

Chapter 15  What hurts the most

"Okay." I sighed and sat back and met his eyes. I reached for his hands. I smiled at that comment.

"I don't even know where to begin. I haven't been myself lately, that much I know because I can feel it."

"No, you haven't. Is it something you are not getting from me?" No accusations, just genuine curiosity in my voice.

"No, you give me everything I need and more. I'm not unhappy, I'm -- I don't know just hurt and fighting my demons, the ones you generally help me with, which is all of them normally, but this time that didn't happen. So, I am also trying to deal with that."

"What hurts? What demons? Is it because of our previous argument?"

I tried to think about the previous argument we had and honestly, couldn't remember a thing about it. "I don't know. I can't remember what we argued about. All I know is I hurt and it is making things very difficult. All things except loving you. That is never difficult."

I pulled him into my arms. I tried to give him my strength. "Would it help to get a therapist involved? We have made some big changes lately."

"I don't know, maybe not right now. I am not sure WE need one. It's rather simple and was easily overlooked and I can wrap my head around that, but I can't seem to break the pain away. I'm just gonna jump right into it. The other day I agreed to meet your friend um -- Lisa I think it was. That ended up being Brian and Lisa. I liked them, which is a very good thing. They give off a sense of comfort which is probably why each of them can do what they do, but if it weren't for that and the comfort you offer me that night would have been a complete disaster. It only worked because they have the demeanor that they do. That is not something you can know ahead of time. That is is not something I know until I have met someone." I paused to see if she would track the night or understood where I was at. "Does that part make sense?"

"Yeah. I think so. I forced you into a situation you were not comfortable with."

"I had agreed to meet her. If I recall I asked to. That is not the problem. I could have handled that perfectly. I have learned how to put up the front until it is not needed. I did that all night. This is the part where logic flies right out the window and floats away on the breeze. You told them we were dating before you were even off the phone setting things up. No, It's not like she would not have known. I mean you kept telling her you have a boyfriend so how loyal would you be if you went out with some guy that wasn't him? I knew going into that they would put two and two together because it is pretty damn obvious that we are a couple when you respond to me and I to you the way we normally do. Trust me, it's clear. But I expressly asked you not to tell anyone and you straight up told her precisely 'who' she was meeting. I don't know why that gets to me the way it does, I don't understand the block, but it's there." I paused again. "Let that sit. I have to get this out."

I swallowed hard. It was my fault. Unfortunately, I couldn't compose a reply that wasn't confrontational so I just made a gesture for him to continue.

"I don't get this whole label name thing. You say it's not important to you, but then you label me and you want to be labeled. No, you do. I don't feel the need to put a label on you. I don't. And I don't want to be labeled as anything. It feels like all choice is being stripped away when people label you. It feels like that to me. We are together because we choose to be, not because of some damn label, so I'm not understanding why wearing one, outside of a ring or another piece of jewelry that was given, matters so much. It doesn't matter to me in the same way it seems to matter to you. You labeled me and I really the opposite of like, I absolutely hate it. That is the only thing that concerns me regarding labels. I don't want to be labeled as a singer, a musician, a Jew, anything, anything other than human and in love, in a committed, closed relationship with one person." I took a deep breath. I had been holding that for a very long time, but I wasn't done with exposing my thoughts. "I know you don't understand that just like I don't understand why it is so important to apply a name to the statement 'I have a boyfriend, or my boyfriend did this, or he did that. I don't understand needing a name to attach to a label. I get that you refer to the someone in your life that is important, that you share your most intimate moments with as 'boyfriend/girlfriend'. I don't get why a name has to be involved. When I get asked, I get asked. I tell people that I am in a relationship. I don't tell them anything more than that. All they need to know is that I am not available to them. The friends that I have that have not met you, that is all that I tell them. I don't talk to them about my personal woes or issues. You could have easily talked to any of your friends using those words, 'my boyfriend' at any point in time without having to define who that person is. With anyone outside of Lisa and Brian, you still can. It will always be lost on me why they have to know so much of your heart, like the name that is in it. People don't know the name that is in mine. I'm still an introvert. That part of me will not change, it's built in. What is deeply personal to me, is not meant to be shared. Outside of family." I managed to speak every bit of it without raising my voice. My tone was as even as it could get, but tears were rolling down my face and I was trembling in that weird 'I can't believe I just opened that much of myself to you' kind of way. I emptied all that was in me and hoped like hell it either made sense or she would make sense of it. "Just think about it. I didn't give you that to argue or make you feel bad. Think about it and use it."

I was too stunned to cry. I registered that he was and I couldn't move. I got angry again. He may not have meant to make me feel bad, but he did. He also wasn't giving me an opportunity to explain or tell my side of the story. It honestly felt like he was telling me that this was how it was going to have to be from now on. I was once again the one that had to make all of the changes if I wanted to live in his world. It sure as hell didn't sound like a compromise was even a possibility. I was quiet. Really quiet. I didn't know how to unpack all of that. I shut down. "As you wish."