When Love Bites

6 Whoah

Chapter 6 Whoah

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I didn't really want to talk about it again. "Does it really matter. I"m probably just being selfish."

"Let's get inside. You can talk if you want to. It will likely just blow up if you don't." I got out of the car and tried very hard not to take on her emotions. It was never easy. I was so linked to her.

I got out of the car and went into the house. I went back to the bedroom and put on pajamas. I went into the bathroom and washed my face. I headed back into the living room and sat on the couch.

I lit a fire and put the kettle on while she was getting ready for bed. I could change later. I sat on the couch with tea and cocoa and waited for her to join me. "I love you."

"I love you too." I sighed. "It would be nice to spend time with you and actually have you pay attention to me. I kinda felt like you would have had just as much fun tonight if I wasn't there." I picked up my tea and sipped it while he digested what I said.

"Not likely."

"You spent more time talking to Marisa and everyone else, more than you did to me tonight. I had some great conversations with Noah though." I sighed and put my cup down.

"Okay and? I mean did you not enjoy your conversations with Noah? I was right there beside you. I would have known if you weren't."

"I did, but today was supposed to be our day. Even after you were done working, it still wasn't just us. Plus being out in public meant that I couldn't snuggle up to you, or be close to you. Half the people at the table thought that we were just friends. I bet you didn't even notice that the artist kept looking at you like you were her next meal." I was getting heated and I felt like a whining child, but my feelings were hurt.

I did my best to hear her, but it was all rather hard to deal with. My day with her had been stolen from me too and now my evening was too. "I lost my day with you too. I would have rather been here, but I wasn't able to be and that sucked for me too. I wasn't done working until we said goodbye, that is part of the job, it just is. No. I didn't notice, because I don't really care. All I care about is the way you look at me."

It was like he wasn't hearing me. I crossed my arms across my chest and looked away, trying not to cry. "I understand that outside of this relationship, your needs are more important than mine. They just are. I can go out in public and not have people recognize me or judge my actions against an image of who I am supposed to be. You can't. And I guess I have let that balance slip into our needs inside of this relationship too." I took a deep breath knowing that what I was about to say was going to be painful for both of us. I just hoped he understood why I needed to say it. "I have let my needs inside of this relationship become second to yours and I can't do it anymore. Especially where those needs cross over from inside of us to outside of us."

I just stared, shocked. "What does that even mean?"

"It means that I need to go out with my friends and introduce my boyfriend to my friends. I need to be able to touch my boyfriend in public and not have to share a meal with someone who thinks they have a chance with my boyfriend, because they don't know. In case you haven't noticed, this isn't a casual arrangement. We live together. We share an address. I don't even have an address anymore. I have a P.O. box." I was standing and pacing the living room now. I wasn't yelling, I wasn't even speaking loudly. "I need to feel like a priority and not a bystander. I know you are busy, but I need just a little more consideration when it comes to texts and phone calls."

"Well, that was a lot in one go." She was pissed, I fought the urge to join her. I had an answer, not a good one, but an answer or two. "You have an address. It's yours and it's mine. On my end it's protected, so send in a change of address, I thought you did that already." I really didn't think that was the problem, maybe a symptom. I remained seated, standing would lead to looming. Looming isn't good. I remained quiet. For some time. It sure as hell wasn't casual. "I can't control what others think, or how they act."

I threw my hands up in the air. "You can control what they know. What they know or don't know in this case, can dictate how they act." I love you and I consider you mine. I just appear to be the only one allowed to know that." I sat back down on the couch feeling defeated and very lost.

"That I can do. If it were easy for me to just walk up and say hey Y'all this is Lizzie, my girlfriend don't you think I would? I would love to be able to. I've tried. The words always come out wrong."

I sighed and hung my head. "Was I invited out tonight as your friend?" I tried to swallow back the tears. "I understand and I don't at the same time. I say my boyfriend all the time, I just never have the actual person to introduce."

"I could go out with you and hang out as your "Friend" they'd eventually catch on. You weren't invited as my friend, you were invited as someone I didn't want to go without. They'd have to comply and understand, no pictures, no talking or yapping about it. I'm not saying I don't want to go out and been seen with you. That's crazy."

"Labels shouldn't matter, but the more serious we get, the more they matter to me." I sipped my tea and walked around the room again. "Do we get to spend some time together soon?"

"We are together now. Do you want to spend this time arguing? We can, but I really don't want to. I made a promise to you. Several, actually, I will make good on those. All of them. I'm working on it. The one that seems to be the biggest deal to you is the absolute hardest for me, but I promise you I am trying."

I sat down next to him on the couch. "I don't want to argue, but sometimes it seems like you get so wrapped up in what you are doing, that the rest of the world doesn't exist. When what you are doing is me, there is nothing outside of us. I like that, but it's not fair to others. When that is work or Marisa, I feel forgotten. Life is about balance and I think we all need to find that."

"Work is consuming, but it is part of who I am. You are consuming, that is also a part of who I am now. I don't want to be holed up in the house all of the time. We went out tonight, I agree that we should do that more often. I work, I play, I relax. I hope to do all of that by your side. I'm not ready to tell the world that I am completely totally and madly in love with anyone, I don't feel safe telling them that much about myself. I don't want to share our intimate moments, not even just rubbing noses, ya know. But I love standing beside you. I don't think I'm making any sense."

"You're not, but I get it. Someday we won't have these struggles. It would help if I didn't bottle it up all of the time, but it always seems to be unresolvable issues."

"I would hope that they will eventually be resolved." I hadn't touched the cocoa I made for myself. I wasn't hungry or thirsty anymore. That little bit stung more than I knew how to explain. I choked on my words and just held them.

I laid my head on his shoulder and yawned. "Regardless of anything, I love you more than life itself."

I put my arms around her. I had ignored her comments about Marisa. I caught them. She was right, that was unresolved, my fear was not rational to her, but fear isn't rational, so it remained unresolved too. I work hard, she works hard and both of our work required focus. Nothing made any sense to me, but she eased a bit on her anger which made it easier for me to cope. I didn't feel like this argument or set of arguments was anywhere near over. I highly doubted it. I hugged her close. "I love you more than music, more than life. Please don't go forgetting that when I don't do what you think I should when you think I should do it. Please don't let me go."