Past Honeymoon: BTOB IHS

Chapter 13

P A S T  H O N E Y M O O N
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Neither of us
is happy, but
neither of us
wants to leave
so we keep breaking
one another and
calling it love.
ㅡrupi kaur
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Chapter 13 | SERA

What happened in Jeju feels like a dream now that I'm back to my hometown. Yet my heart is still bleeding from it.

The familiarity of home warms my wounded heart. When I walk past the front porch, mom's dog, Stella, barks at me. I let her sniff my hand before I pet her. And then I proceed to the house where I grew up.

The door is open and I can smell garlic and onions. I walk in and hear the soft music that is playing in the background.

And then I see my mom cooking in the kitchen. She turns around, feeling my presence. When she smiles, tears blur my vision.

"Sera!" She calls and I run to her, almost crushing her into my arms. I feel her caress my back and I bask in her warmth. It really feels like coming home. "What happened?" She asks gently.

I pull away and smile, sniffing, and then I cry again, and I smile. I wipe my tears away like I'm insane. "I just missed you."

Mom wipes my tears away with the back of her hands. "Maybe you really do, but you won't cry like that if that's just the reason."

And even after all this time, she still knows me truly. "Can I stay here for a while?"

"What kind of question is that? This is your home. You can always come back."

I cry again. Mom turns off the stove and pulls me towards the couch. "There, there. Just cry it out. Tears will run out." She says.

So, I do.

But I don't seem to run out of tears.

"Did you fight with Hyunsik?" She asks. His name alone makes my heart ache.

I smile at her sadly. "Mom?"

"Hm? What is it?"

"Why does love never last?"

She looks at me and her worried expression worsens, she pulls me into her chest and softly pats my shoulder. It's calming. "In this world, where everything is on borrowed time, nothing really lasts at all. We all know that. But we're humans. Despite knowing that, we still do the things we do. We fall in love, we love, we marry, we make friendships, we make mistakes, we let ourselves get attached to things that would never last." She pauses, letting out a sigh. "Because that's what makes us feel alive. And if we don't feel alive, what does our borrowed time mean when we die?"

"It hurts a lot." I say, taking a deep breath. Tears still flowing down my face.

"Of course, it does. You loved. It might not have lasted, but it was real."

• •

I spend the rest of the day in my old room. I tuck myself in and I don't want to get up. I feel sick. My whole body seems to ache.

I listen to the raindrops hitting my windows again and I let myself drift off to sleep.

When I wake up, there's a swirling sensation in my stomach again. I run to the toilet and throw up.