Past Honeymoon: BTOB IHS

Chapter 1

P A S T H O N E Y M O O N
by: heymello
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"What happens to a flame
when it burns out?
What happens to a love
that's not new?
What happens when
I'm no longer impressive?
Or when there's nothing
left to learn about you?"
ㅡAlessia Cara, Comfortable
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Chapter 1 | SERA

I listen to the gentle thud of raindrops hitting the windowpane in a cold January as I flip the page of the book I'm reading to another chapter. Except, I can't focus anymore when I hear the sound of the door that indicates someone coming. I listen to it open and shut, and I listen to the familiar sound of his movements. Everything sounds just a bit too loud in the silence of what we used to call home.

I know he's taking off his shoes and changing into his home slippers, and I count to three in my head, then he says: "I'm home."

And as usual, I reply. "How's your day?"

"The usual." He replies with little to no interest.

"Lots of clients?" I try.

"Yes." He answers. I look at him over my book as he strolls down the living room. He doesn't even look at me. He pulls down his necktie and pulls it over his head, breathing in and then out. He rubs his eyelids as if he's the most exhausted person to have ever lived on earth, and then he asks, "What's for dinner?"

"There's chicken soup and rice. A few side dishes."

I have completely lost focus on my book. I can't stop looking at him, always searching him for emotions. For something.

Hyunsik's face distorts slightly by my response. He knows my chicken soup sucks. He used to pretend that he loves it. He doesn't anymore. But he doesn't complain either.

"Mom made it. She dropped by earlier."

"Oh," is all he said.

I get up from the couch without a word. I go to our bedroom and I prepare his clothes for bed. I also prepare a warm bath for him.

And then since I have showered earlier, I just strip off my home clothes and change into work uniform. I tie my hair neatly and begin applying makeup.

Once I'm done, Hyunsik enters the room and I feel him look at me but doesn't say a word. I pick up my bag and turn to him just in time as he is unbuttoning his shirt.

It makes me want to sigh.

But I just force a bit of a smile and tell him, "I'm going to work. Good night."

"Okay. See you tomorrow."

I nod and I close the door behind me, my heart just throbbing a little too much with pain.

You would think that two years into married life wouldn't be as dry as that, but well, Hyunsik and I make things possible. The only thing we make impossible is to have a decent conversation where we don't sound like robots obliged to speak.

I work in a call center. Night shift. It makes our relationship worse. But I know very well as the back of my hand, that even if I was available at nights, our marriage will still be sinking like the Titanic ship.

Here's what sucks about a graveyard shift, and at the same time, the benefit: there isn't much to do. Not much clients to speak with. Not many angry clients, too.

It allows me to throw my head back against my chair and overthink about my marriage. What has gone so wrong for us to be like this? Is it me? Is it him? Is it the both of us?

I sigh and my officemate, Seunghee, gives me a look. She sighs too. My best friend. "Trouble in paradise again?"

"There is no trouble in paradise, my friend. We are in Trouble Paradise."

"That makes zero sense, but okay."

"Am I ugly?"

"Oh boy, here we go."

"Am I not desirable anymore?"

"None of those. You're just married on paper. That's it."

"But we married for love."

Seunghee looks at me like she wants to strangle and hug me at the same time. "Some love just don't last."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"I mean, how?"

She raises her hands in surrender. "Okay, let's make this clear."

I look at her with full attention.

And she slaps me with the very first question. "When was the last time you slept together?"

"Like, sleep beside each other on bed? Or the last time we had sex?"

Seunghee presses her palm flat on her forehead. "Jeez. You call it sex!"

"What am I suppose to call it?"

"Make love?"

"What if there's no love?"

"Then, divorce the damn guy, Sera."

"I can't-" I say, pausing, "-remember the last time we made love."

"Yeah, your married life sucks. He doesn't treat you right. Divorce. The. Guy."

I can't. But I let myself fall silent instead of speaking out what I'm thinking. I can't divorce Im Hyunsik. I don't think I could even bear it. I'm not entirely sure what the heck went so wrong between us to become like this but I can't leave him unless he leaves me. Because. Because when I married him, he's like one of those tattoos in his arm I've etched so permanently in my life. I would have to scrape my own skin to remove him. I would have to bleed and rip my heart out of my chest.

Oh God. Am I considered a masochist? Because here I am, and every day and night I think about him. He's mostly whom I think about. Despite him being cold, I do the wife duties everyday. I cook for him, prepare him baths, prepare his clothes to sleep before I go to work and his clothes to work before I go to sleep. I wait for him to come home every single day just to ask him how his day had been, even though he doesn't remember to ask mine anymore.

He hurts me emotionally every single damn day.

And yet.

I can't imagine him out of my life. And it makes me hate myself a little bit more each day.

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Author's note:

Hello, everyone! This book is finally OUT. I wrote and finished it like a year and a half agooo, but it's just a bit different from what I usually write (I think) so I was not confident with it and to be honest, I'm still... kinda not, but I just thought, TO HELL WITH IT, HERE YOU GO! NEW CONTENT! Hahaha

It will not be fluff. It will not be long. I hope you'd still enjoy the ride! Thank you for being here. 🙏💙