fire & ice [[klance au]]

selfish

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"Lonce!"

Red in the face and breathing heavily, she called his name. Her pale blue hair pulled into a tight, unyielding ponytail.
The Altean tech beeped angering the woman more.
"Where have you been?" She snapped, crossing her arms against her chest. "I was ju—" "Never mind; I don't care." Allura barked at him, raising a hand to signal his silence. "We had a meeting today— a very important meeting with a Arisians today to work out a peace treaty that could potentially save lives, but you weren't there. You had more important things to do apparently." 
During her rant so had marched up to Lance, standing in front of him with a menacing look on her face. Her pointed ears seemed to stand up more prominently than usual. The woman's eyes shot him an unthawable icy glare even though he was the ice elemental.

Lance hated when she looked at him like that, he had loved her since he first arrived at the castle. Her pretty pale blue hair was something he has loved along with her personality and attitude. She was playful yet cautious and knew how to take charge when she wanted to. She was so pretty. Even though he hated when she shot him through the heart with those pretty teal colored eyes, they weren't effecting him as they had in the past. His heart would suffer a sharp pain and his gut might've twisted with guilt, but not this time— at least not like usual. He still disliked being looked with those intense eyes, but his heart wasn't being split down the middle or being stabbed through.
He wondered why.

"Sorry, Lurra."
Allura's face twisted into an even angered version of itself.
"That's all!?" She exclaimed, "That's all your going to say!? Why weren't you here!? We've talking about this meeting for months, Lance! If you don't want to be here, Lance, then leave! Voltron needs a blue paladin who'll be here when we need him. Not one who's half in and half out."

There it was. The gut twisting, vomit inducing feeling, he looked at her face remembering his feeling that'll never be returned. He's pinned after her for years and knew there was no way. He could never tell her, though he still loved her he noticed the intensity of his feelings were watered down. The thought of him and her still excited him, just not as much as it used to. He's self medicating himself with sex and bad relationships just to forget about her. It always worked for short periods of time. Nyma, his most recent ex worked the best out of the rest. Him falling in love with her was a mistake though. She didn't love him. Lots of yelling was involved, yet even after the relationship ended they still come together to unite their bodies. Lance hated it; he couldn't stop himself.

Allura sighed. "Don't just think about yourself, Lance. You always come and go as you please. You're so selfish. Think about others for once, instead of only focusing on yourself." She snarled, a sound of disgust and disappointment mixing in her voice. Fuming she marched out of the room, pounding the pavement.

"I'm...I'm sorry." Lance tried to tell her, but she had only ignored him and kept going forward, back to the blue paladin.

He took his food out of the warm contraption, gazing down at it. His appetite had vanished and almost seemed as if it had been nothing but a mere delusion. The man grabbed a fork anyway, putting it the the steaming food, playing with it for a couple seconds before actually picking it up and eating it. Even if he wasn't hungry he knew he needed to eat. If not for himself, then for Hunk or Pidge; eat for his mamá and papá. Eating for the beautiful boy with beautiful black hair and gorgeous lavender eyes who only wants to feel. Lance wouldn't allow himself to fall back into a pit of despair and depression. He had made his way out of that black tar and wouldn't let himself to wallow through it again. The lonely elemental brought the fork to his mouth and took a big bite. Then another. One for each member of his family. One for each of his friends. One for the people he'd fallen in love with. And one for Keith, who has a category to himself. Keith was something new, something special; he was something entirely different. Thinking about the boy made him conflicted. Yes, Lance knew he himself was bisexual, he knew he liked guys and girls. He didn't know what he felt for Keith. He called him friend, but didn't fit him into that category.

What was Keith?
Not a monster— that's for damn sure.
A killer? A murderer? Somebody who has taken someone else's life?
Maybe.
Who is Keith?
Somebody special?
Somebody terrifying?
Should I be scared?
Why can't Allura love me?
Do I deserve love?

Why does all this introspection come at night when civilization should be asleep? Thought drifting in to fill up his brain like a water balloon; only so much can fit in until it pops and the water filling the space is spilled everywhere.

Before he knew it the pasta on his plate was gone. Lance didn't really taste it much. The taste buds on his tongue were numb like his emotions. He thought about calling up Nyma for a distraction, deciding that idea was a bad one before putting his plate in the sink and slinking to his room. It was late so he didn't run into anyone on his way there— not that he wanted to see anyone anyways. He flicked off the light switch in his room, stumbling around in the dark until he managed to find his bed. Suddenly, he wasn't so exhausted anymore. He lie alone in the dark, his mind unwieldy.

He found his little orange communication device on the charger, pulling it off and switching it on. The phone made little 'clicky' noises as he typed in the 4 digit passcode. He swiped on his phone until he found the call application, opening it and pulling up an unnamed number that he has grown to recognize. He pressed the number and his phone began to dial. It connected on the third ring, he knew she had waited until then to pick up.

"Hello?" A sickly sweet voice answered. He didn't say anything. His gut twisted and squeezed. He didn't want her; He didn't need her.
"You need me to come over and entertain you, huh?"
Lance could feel her smirk, unable to say a word.
"I'll be there soon."

The line disconnected.

The sound of buzzing filled his skull as he lie in the dark. His body felt numb and Lance wondered for a moment if this is what is felt like to be dead. Before he knew it he was helping Nyma into his window. Then he was undressing her without even a 'hello'. The smell of her too strong perfume was suffocating, but that was all he could smell.

All he heard was buzzing.

He felt numb.

Sorry guys. Highschool is harddddd ugghhhhhh and I'm depressed so I'm ALWAYS tired. Just be patient with me frens.