My Crown Of Shame

Am I really?

Do you know how much I hurt?

You are my family.

You are supposed to know me best.

But you dont even what goes through my days at school.

Whether its filled with jealousy, hatred, loneliness, happiness or can you tell me?

Do you know how much I hurt?

Do you know how many times over that I've thought of killing myself?

NO, you dont. Do you know why?

Because your damn attention is on my brother!

Yeah, I fucking get it, he's funny, I'm not.
He's easy to talk to. I'm not.
He's the example of us all even though he's the youngest.
BECAUSE IM A SCREW UP.
YOU FUCKING MADE ME.
I DIDNT ASK TO BE MADE.
I DIDNT ASK TO BE BORN ONTO THIS SUFFERING.

...

I get it. I'm not great, that I'm the family's mistake. Born with the responsibility of everyone. Cause my oldest brother didn't exactly pass with flying colors, you expect me to. To go home with straight fucking A's. No, I cant. I'm sorry, but I'm to stupid to meet your stupid ass standards.

But oh hey! Lookie here. My youngest brother here is doing EXCELLENT!!!! Why dont you praise him for those B's and A's that I couldn't achieve.

Do you know how much I hurt?

You dont even know that my best friend is my girlfriend now.

You dont even know that I want to move so far away from this horror struck town. I wanna live FAR away from this so called family. I wanna live with my best friend whom lives far away from here.

Do you know how much I hurt?

DO YOU EVEN KNOW..  that I'm becoming a professional at putting on fake smiles? You dont even notice I'm so good!! Are you happy now? I'm finally good at something! No? It's not good enough for you? Oh sorry, i miss heard.
I'm not good enough for you? That seemed to be the problem for the past 15 years.

My heart hurts so much. My friend and I, we suffer the same. So why are we so far away?

I wish for those days i can smile. The days it's not fake. I hope for days I can laugh. Without it being forced from my throat.

The one time I can be me is in my room. The time when I facetime my friend from 10 hours from here.
---

do you even know that we are tired of being worn down?
That we are tired of being rebounds. Of giving our hearts to those who dont need it. Of people using us? Our flames are growing smaller and weaker yet we stand here. Strong as ever. Because stars cant shine without the darkness.

We cant stand for much longer. Our flames are flickering. We are falling, but will there ever be someone to catch us?

We need love to you know.
You cant neglect us for this long.
We are hurting
And nobody
Notices..
💔