My Crown Of Shame

...

I don't know what to type at this hour. It's not late but it's not early either.

I have no words to share yet my mind is jumbling thousands of thoughts and emotions.

I feel...
I feel sad, hurt, happy, angry, jealous, and lonely.

I feel as if I haven't played my part in peoples lives that are around me. Like I'm fading away. People are getting further away. Eeither if I'm pushing them away or if they're leaving on their own.

I want to scream, cry and all in all disappear.

I literally have no purpose in this world, what's the point in living if we're going to die sometime in the future?

What's stopping me from putting a blade to my chest and letting it pierce through?

Literally nothing

But for some reason I cant seem to dig deeper into my skin to where it draws blood but to only where it leaves a small mark for 3 hours.

I wanna be happy but the rain is draining my emotions down into the soaked ground. If it were to be sunny and warm then I'd be a little bit happier.

People make me sad. And I'm tired of them. I'm such a hypocrite cause theres probably more 60 people who hate me. I just want someone to hold my hand. Or to hug me. I feel so alone, yet I have plenty of people around me.

I don't need a relationship. Im terrified of being hurt. Or hurting someone else. I just want real friends. Friends who aren't fake. People who actually care and understand me. I love the people closest to me dearly and unconditionally. I try to be at my best when around them. Its a full time job that doesn't pay and it's so draining.

It's worth to see smiles on their faces but I xant tell if they're fake or not. That's what sucks. So, I cant tell, that the 4 friends I have left are real or not.

I feel like the people here on wattpad are nice. The people I've talked with are so nice, and I can actually be me here. Compared to reality.
Without wattpad, I wouldn't have met miniminyoongi, or blackout_21. Or so many other people that make my stay here actually fun.

Idk, I'm stuck on a hellevator and I'm still going up. Doesn't look like its going to stop anytime soon.