words put together

the process before sleeping usually hurts

i can't sleep.

never instantly.

i can't do that thing that other people do
where they simply lie down
and sleep in a second to two.

it takes me many minutes,
sometimes hours,
lying in the dark
letting my mind be devoured
by my suicidal thoughts
and the pain that never stops.

constantly turning
and always churning
and my heart is always yearning
for those techniques that i've been learning
to come in handy when i'm burning,
but they don't.

and i can't sleep.
and it's been thirty minutes
and the thing that's hard to keep
is fucking picking out your worries
and finding the one that hurts the less
and running with it to your best.

i want to sleep,
i truly do,
but it isn't as easy as it is for you.

you must understand,
i don't fiddle to annoy;
there's no real awe in my hand.
and my fears bring no joy.
it's my lack of concentration
and my insomnia teaming up,
making everything i do
seem way cooler than the sun.

i'm sorry.
i'll try to sleep.
but please know it's not guaranteed.

i wish i slept too.