That's when they took him from me. A Harry Styles Fan Fiction.

Thirty Three - I Don't Feel Anything.

It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.

I’m not a good person.

I have selfish thoughts and bad intentions.

I hurt everyone around me. 

I hurt myself.

This isn’t the depression talking.

This is me.

I don’t think I can get better.

Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down and either you over dramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts of ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write quite the way you want to.

But here I am. 

Writing.

About all of this shit.

Dear Harry and Niall.

I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now.

Sometimes I imagine jumping from the edge of a very tall building. Just floating, flying, weightless. Those seconds would feel like minutes, and you’d be completely at peace. I often find myself wondering if that feeling would be worth hitting the ground at the end.

Nobody knows the real me, only you two. You’re the only two boys that I’d ever actually opened up to and I trusted you with my whole entire life. Now, no one. I don’t think I could ever tell anyone what I’ve told you. 

Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I’ve sat in my room and cried, how many times I’ve lost hope, how many times I’ve been let down. Nobody knows how many times I’ve had to hold back the tears, how many times I’ve felt like I’m about to snap but don’t for the sake of everyone around me. Nobody knows the thoughts that have gone through my head, whenever I’m sad, and how horrible they really are.

Harry, we need you, Louis needs you. He’s not talking to anyone and I’m scared Harry, I really am. Should I try to talk to him? I have. He won’t budge. He needs you Harry.

Niall, Liam’s completely lost it. I don’t know what to do with him any more. Do you remember Liam? The sensible daddy Liam? Not anymore. He’s only a figment of my memory now. He drinks now, even though he shouldn’t. He does drugs, Niall. He isn’t the Liam I know anymore and I’m scared of him, Niall.

Oh and boys, Zayn. He’s thin now, unimaginable thin, scary thin, unhealthily thin. His collarbones protrude from his body. His clothes hang like huge sacks on his thin bones. I hear him at night, right after dinner or even after lunch now. Belching. It’s horrible. He walks out smiling. Cynical isn’t it? I’m scared, you know, what if he? No, I’m not going to think about that.

She said I wasn’t supposed to talk about you boys, it was supposed to just be about what I think, what I do everyday, where I go. She doesn’t understand that you’re all I think about and that’s what I do every day. I sit in this stupid house and think about you. I’ll probably get in trouble for writing about you, but that doesn’t matter. It’s the truth. I’ll get in trouble for most of the things I’ll write, but that doesn’t matter either.

I just wish everything would go back to normal. I want you boys back. I need you boys back. You have no idea how much I miss you. I love you. So much. You can love someone, but you could never love someone as much as you can miss them and holy shit you have no idea how much I miss you.

I’ll talk to you later boys. I hope you’re doing better than we are.

I’ll see you soon then.

Rest in sweet paradise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These past couple of chapters have been really rubbish and i apologise, they've really just been filler chapters because i'm leading to something else.

PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU THINK THAT I SHOULD WRITE A CHAPTER ABOUT NIALL'S FUNERAL.

because i think i can fit that in somewhere.

i'm sorry for the extremely short chapters, too.

and also i don't know if i should extend this fic or end it really soon, because i think you're all getting bored of it.

please comment if you are reading this fic because i want to know how many people are actually reading it and actually like it.

thank you so much, this has over 9k views.

YOU'RE ALL AMAZING OMG, SERIOUSLY.

i love you all, okay.

big love, Tayla! x