That's when they took him from me. A Harry Styles Fan Fiction.

Forty Nine - Apologies.

So I was sat alone in my hospital bed, listening to the loud beeping sound that was  radiating from the heart monitor, reminding me that I was still alive. Everything was the same as I left it. Three bouquets of flowers still remained in a straight line on the window sill that overlooked the park. The white room was still white and the black analogue clock still sat snugly on the wall, right beside the big black box television. The teal coloured door was still creaking open every so often the northerly winds would swim through the opened window and I was still stuck in this insignificant bed, being yet another insignificant person who lay sick in a plain white hospital bed. 

You know that feeling?

When everything seems to be going fine, and for a moment you believe that everything is okay. But then you stop for just a second, and it all comes crashing down and you realise that you are not fine. Nothing is fine. The thoughts still hand you every day, and while the pain appears to be hidden away during the day, it always seems to rear it’s ugly head late at night, when you are most vulnerable. 

You know that feeling?

It fucking sucks.

I haven’t been coping very well over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had more downs than ups and I was finding it harder to pick myself back up again. I guess it’s because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. Although, we can’t know better until knowing better is useless. Yet all I wanted was to go to sleep even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to. My head was too crazy. The thoughts bounced around inside my skull like a disorientated swarm of bees. Noisy. Every now and then they stung. Trust me, they hurt. Then I thought that they must be wasps, not bees. Bees died after one sting, yet the same thoughts were stinging me over and over again.

But I knew I had to do one thing. Even though I didn’t know how because there wasn’t a plan. There had never been a plan. All there was, was hope, but there was little enough of that. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt. It would be nice to escape reality, even for just a few hours.

The words still linger in my mind, coming back to haunt me when I’m at my lowliest, it’s like there’s a continuous nudging right in my mind as all of the memories resurface like the waves meeting the shore. They’re there, pulling and tugging and being remembered even in my subconscious twisting and turning it, making it even more horrifying in my dreams than it is in real life. That’s why I can’t bring myself to go to sleep because sleeping is somehow worse than my reality. 

The hours just seemed to pass me by these days without me knowing what time or even what day it was. I seemed to be living outside of my own body, as if I was numb to everything but the pain that continued to stab me in my heart, in my bones, in my head. I couldn’t escape. 

And the whispers that curl into my head at night didn’t help at all.

I was interrupted by my thoughts when the door swung open, lightly hitting the white plastered wall with the back of its handle. A big curly mop of hair peeked through the window and I noticed that it was too late now to pretend that I was asleep.

He walked in cautiously, almost hesitating once he noticed that I was awake. He shut the door behind him and it closed with a soft click of the lock. He didn’t dare speak, but wouldn’t keep his eyes off mine.His hesitant footsteps where clear when he inched his way over to the creme leather chair that was sitting snugly at the side of my bed. He pulled the chair out a few inches, then placed his bum on the plush leather exterior. He shuffled uncomfortable for a few seconds, his keys slightly rattling in his front jean pocket and then slightly slouched back in his chair. He let his arms carelessly flail out in his lap and his legs were crossed at their ankles. Our eyes were still locked in a tense stair, the words still not daring to escape the silence of our lips.