GUMEGEWANG akong pumasok sa loob ng aking unit. Ang epekto ng alak ay tuluyan nang kumalat sa aking sistema ngunit ang tangi pa ring naghahari ay ang samu't-saring alaala at walang katapusang ingay sa aking utak.
I opened the door of my room and let my body fall on the bed. I closed my eyes and tried my very best to sleep, but minutes have passed, my consciousness was still reigning. The voices in my head were keeping me awake. They were ranting—questioning me rather, of the things I have failed to do.
They were telling how disappointing I was.
They were questioning my ability.
They were blaming me.
They were telling that I was worthless.
And it was fucking killing me.
They seemed to have an exchanging of bullets—firing me of every fault, like I was the only one who was failing in this world. They were putting all the blame on me... and it hurts that they're right. These monsters inside my head were fucking right all along.
Inis akong bumangon at agad na napasapo sa noo nang makaramdam ng hilo. Pinilit ko ang sarili kong tumayo kahit pa halos matumba na ako. Gegewang-gewang muli akong naglakad, ngayon ay papunta naman sa banyo.
Hinanap ko ang botelya ng pills na ibinigay sa akin ng therapist ko. Nang makita ko ito sa drawer ay agad akong kumuha ng isa at nilunok kasabay ng tubig. But then, it wasn't working. I still fucking couldn't feel sleepiness.
I just wanted to sleep, why couldn't I?! I wanted to kill these voices by the use of sleep, but I couldn't! I just wanted peace, silence, and calmness.
So I took a handful of tablets as many as I could—thinking it would be enough to let me sleep, but before I could bring all of it inside my mouth, a hand forcefully gripped my wrist. Sa panginginig ng kamay ko ay naglaglagan sa marmol na sahig ng banyo ang mga tableta ng pills.
"Carlson, stop it! What are you doing?!" gulat na sigaw ni Aeryn sa naabutan niya sa akin.
Fuck. The pills. Where are the pills?! I needed those to make me sleep!
Kahit nahihilo ay nagawa kong yumuko upang pulutin ang mga nalaglag na tableta ngunit hinawi lang ni Aeryn ang mga kamay ko. Pinilit ko pa ring damputin ang mga ito, pero pilit ding kinukuha ni Aeryn mula sa mga kamay ko.
"No! Carlson, please!"
"Ano bang ginagawa mo na naman dito?! Umalis ka na! Iwan mo 'ko!" sigaw ko at napaupo sa malamig na sahig.
"Hindi! Hindi kita iiwan. I'm here, you can talk to me. Please. What's wrong? You can tell me, I'm here to listen," marahan niyang saad habang inaabot ang mga kamay ko.
Dahan-dahan siyang lumuhod sa harap ko upang magpantay kami. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. She slightly gripped it. I stared at her and saw that her eyes were a bit teary, but still, she managed to give me a smile.
"What is it?" she asked again using her soft voice.
I was still looking at her, deadpanned. I was arguing with myself whether to tell her or just keep it by myself, but I think my head might just explode if I wouldn't speak my thoughts out. I wanted to pull it all out off me to somehow lessen the heaviness I was feeling.
Besides, she was always here to listen... and she never judged me.
"I can't sleep," usal ko.
Tumango siya. "Uh-hmm. Why?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Yumuko ako at natulala sa sahig.
"I remembered her again." Dinala ko ang mga kamay ko sa aking ulo at bahagyang napasabunot sa sarili. "Hindi maalis sa isip ko, Aeryn. Hanggang ngayon, nandito. Kasalanan ko. Kasalanan ko—"
BINABASA MO ANG
Exchanging Bullets
Cerita Pendek(This is a side story of Femme Fatale. I suggest you read that FIRST before proceeding to this one. It's worth it, at least for me and for those who appreciate it. You may find it worth reading, too.) Chief Inspector Carlson Enriquez has always been...
