A Biromantic diary

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(🖕🖕🖕Random pic of me, has no meaning to this)
Trigger warnings: Mentions of underage smoking, drinking and selfharm.

Ever wish you could go back into time?

I wish I could go back to when I was a kid, when I was happy. I didn't care what anyone thought, I loved  myself.
I didn't care what people THOUGHT I was confident bin my body. I loved the feeling of fresh air, trying something new. Life was all fresh and shiny to me.

I want to go back to those days. I don't know how long this will last, my entire life, teenage years, highschool, college idfk.

When I was in 5th grade, that was the beginning big my depression, I didn't know it. But it was. I had no mom my dad didn't pay attention. Yah know it may not have seemed bad compared to others. But I was 9, do you think a 9 y/o can handle all that. No, But I had one friend that knew what was happening and she gave me all the support my mom couldn't at the time.

But that was just 5th grade💅(tea)

6th grade rolled around, still was oblivious to the whole depression thing. It was fine I guess, mom got out that summer and was trying to get her shit back together to get us. It took a bit, but she did it.
There isn't much to say about 6th grade, It was fine besides me being picked on because my shoes, like fr it's fucking shoes. Oops I'm sorry I don't have money to buy Nikes. (They were the shit back then😥😂)

But it was fine I defended myself like always and went on with life.

But then. 7th grade happened.

Life got harder, the summer going into 7th I was running around town with guys and with friends, I started drinking a lot. It was horrible, I was only 12.
I started having flashbacks and I started cutting. It wasn't a serious cutting like it was little scraps that would fade. But the real shit was coming soon.

I continued drinking, around town, running streets late at night, snuck out a few times and such. I was in a horrible state of mind.

School kept going my grades where slipping. Then. I met her  she was knew to school.

The first actually Open Bisexual in our school before I was convinced I was "straight"

After her more people started coming out of there shell, including me. I opened up as Pansexual. And dated this girl for a while.

It was all well until she dumped me.
(T)
I felt so much pain, I didn't show it, but it was definitely there.
I started actually cutting deep into my skin almost every night.

Anything I could use it did.

I cut my ankles, my wrist.

But one day I thought it would be fucking fun to wear yoga pants that went up past my ankles.

You could see them, all day I've done good hiding them. But, then my mom noticed.

We talked about it, didn't help the situation no matter how many times she tried to convince me I was in the wrong.

It continued like this for a few months, I was over my ex kinda, I still was "in love" with her thought about our great moments together.

But that didn't really mind met, I started feeling useless.

Like a no good piece of shit, it seemed like that, just not to others. I went to school everyday with the biggest smile on my fave joking around with everyone.

I laughed even if I was breaking inside.

I still do it to this day, I wake up, thinking it's a great day, until I remember every detail and just feel like a slump. I go to the bus feelings awful about myself, but right when I sit next to my friend I smile and we talk. It goes like this the rest of the day until I get off the bus.

My "smile" drops and I just wanna cry in a corner and cry, bit I still can't do that. Because I have to look at least okay to my family.

Anyway, towards the end of 7th grade I had these really good friends in my gym class. Her name was Maddy.

She had so many problems and knew what I was going through, she never cut before tho. But when she saw my scars she always was sadly fascinated.

She touched them and cried on my shoulder cause she felt bad. And one courageous day I threw out my my razor. When I told her she was the happiest person ever.

She cried until she couldn't.

My mom put me in therapy but she left me before 8th grade started, that's when everything really went to shit. I was being harassed for the first 2 months of school, told to kill myself, they threw things at me, tied ropes and strings on my neck. And I just let it all happen.

I honestly didn't care anymore.

It was rare for someone to stick up for me but when it did happen I was so fucking greatful.

I was scared to go to my locker at the end of the day, and I always had to bring someone with me, because there friends locker was next to mine, so they were there every day.

It soon stopped after one of my friends who is friends with them, threatened them a lot until they stopped.

I still have my slips, but there not like bad slips where it leaves a complete scar, I forbid myself to use a bladder or razor cause of how happy Maddy was.

And Everytime I have the urge I think of that time.

It helps.

~~~~~~~~
I felt so many emotions while writing this out. It was hard to give you guys my life but there, I still have to live through HS and go through worse things but I know I can handle it. I've handled everything else.

~Oli
Word count : 1016

Bye 💅