don't ever want to miss you | fillie

I don't know what I want anymore

Chapter 18

The last few days have been... crazy.

Since Finn wasn't into the idea of postponing the photoshoot, his bandmates established a little compromise, wrapping the whole thing up as quick as possible. They didn't get fooled that easily, Finn looked literally too miserable to make them believe that nothing happened. Yeah, they were his best friends, they deserved to know, but he simply wasn't ready to get into the details yet. No words could explain the way he felt, anyway.

The truth was, he lost a part of himself the moment Millie told him that it was over. He missed her in ways he didn't know existed, he missed her so much that he felt almost physically sick. He missed everything about her.

Her beautiful eyes, her voice, her smile, her laugh, her kisses, her touch, her hand in his.

And he hated how badly he wanted her back.

They've been together for almost four years, they've known each other since forever. She became the most important part of his life, the first thought, the first person coming into his mind in the morning, not leaving it until he fell asleep. He couldn't imagine the day without her, couldn't even go to sleep without kissing her goodnight. He's gotten used to always calling or texting her first over the years, with everything. Memes, weird selfies, pictures of cute dogs, new songs, funny videos, "I miss you" texts, sad news, happy news, every little aspect of his life... Everything.

She was always first to know.

In the last few days, he still had to fight the urge to just text her casually. There were seconds, brief moments, glimpses of the past that were making him think of her, his phone already in his hand, fingers ready to tap her name on the contact list, a moment later remembering that he couldn't do it out of the blue, that he had no right, no reason to get in touch with her, the pain in his chest growing even more after putting his phone back with a heavy sigh. His mind was filled with thoughts and images of her. He just couldn't get her out of his head, get her out of his heart, no matter how hard he tried.

Nothing worked. Unfollowing her, deleting pictures... All of it was useless.

He couldn't make himself to erase her phone number, knowing perfectly well that it wouldn't help either. He knew it by heart anyway.

Closing the door and leaving, Millie ended something they both had been building for years, breaking it into pieces with just two words. Everything was different now, changing so suddenly that he still hasn't gotten used to it, to this unfamiliar, dreary, lonely feeling. Day by day, his life was becoming sullen, dark, full of despair and sadness without Millie in it. It was his first relationship... Fuck, it was his first breakup, he really had no idea what to do from now on, how to stop feeling so empty. For almost two years he had always had someone to come home to and now... And now it was all gone.

Before, all it took was one reach of his hand and she was there, she was always there, her fingers ready to entwine with his. Now, all he could touch was the nothingness, all he could hear was silence, all he had around was the abyss.

All he could feel was pain.

Was it even possible to get used to something like that, to this heavy feeling in his chest, this overwhelming, excruciating sadness arosing in him at every thought of Millie? How could you explain something like that to your friends? Finn was sure that they would understand, but... He was just tired. Tired after the photoshoot, tired of a few hours of pretending that he felt more okay than he actually did, tired of literally everything.

That's why getting drunk seemed like the best decision right now, even though, let's be honest, it was more like it was Chris who decided about getting Finn drunk. And okay, it wasn't the smartest idea in the world, surely a bottle of whiskey won't solve any of his problems, but... Honestly, who cares?