Trigger King

Chapter 34

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

I spent the rest of the days in my week, convincing myself that there was no good if I kept on thinking Trigger King. Of course, I didn't bother to turn on that iPhone again. He was fucking my mind and making me rattle.

I was so anxious about everything. But I relaxed when I found out that Van visited Papa. Nonetheless, I should stop thinking about that Trigger King because Van's presence in my life was enough.

"Van," I called him. We were sitting together in Little Parlor. He told me that he liked the idea of a piano room where you could relax.

"I think your father heard my thoughts about us. I just hope that his incoming decision would be favorable to us. And that would allow me to continue this," he responded while looking straight into my eyes.

His eyes didn't leave me and I can decipher him. He wanted this. Determined.

Habang ako'y nakikipagpatayan pa rin sa aking utak at puso. I can't allow my heart. I can't barely survive the heartache after my discovery of how ruthless Trigger King could be--and I believe that he wouldn't even allow me to melt his heart of a metal.

Iyon mga pinagsasabi niya noong nakaraang gabi ay puro lamang iyong kalandian. He was vicious. It was enough already.

"I know full well that Papa could be actually," I said, hindi ko alam kung dapat ko ba iyong sabihin sa kanya. Van was caring and willing to know me more but my family especially Papa's authority in my life won't ever help us have an easy relationship. "I don't personally care or even see you as a former presidential son but Papa cares about it so he may throw you off guard in asking you for him to meet your dad, I'm just giving you a heads up."

"I want you to know that I'm willing to build a good relationship with your father. But it doesn't mean that I would deliberately forget what I am," Van responded. He took my hand and hold it--he was warm, very warm and he was damn nice.

But my head was stuffed with thoughts about black eyes and authoritative raspy voice. There was concern in his eyes and my conscience was eating me alive. Here was the guy who was willing to give me security and safety but I was thinking of someone else.

"I may not get his approval now. But I would get it in the future," he said and I didn't know why I didn't enjoy in hearing it. Alam ko naman kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko.

Dahil 'to kay Trigger at sa mga pinagsasabi niya sa akin noong nakaraang gabi. Isang linggo na ang nakalipas mula noon pero sariwa pa rin sa aking utak ang mga nangyari. How he whispered and breathed those words--my poor self can't help but wished that those words were true.

Na sana'y pag-ibig ang ibig sabihin noon. I killed the thought. I should be grateful that he wasn't on my life now--I have Van and he didn't embarrass me, he was always patient and willing to make me comfortable.

Van shyly lowered his head. He was getting uncomfortable and it was a cute sight. Para siyang malaking bear na sobrang sarap i-hug habang nakayuko siya'y tipid na lang akong ngumiti.

"What is it again?" I asked casually. I didn't want to make the whole thing akward. Sobrang halatado na hindi siya sanay sa ganito--sa pagsuyo sa babae, babaeng-babae ako pagdating kay Van.

Nakakatuwa na mas inuuna niyang kunin ang loob ng mga magulang ko kaysa sa akin. That he cares for my family's approval. Because his reason was that after he gets my father's approval, we can date freely.

"I know you don't really like me talking to your father. Pero wala rin kasi akong choice, angel. If I won't get his approval, mas mahihirapan lang din tayo lalong lalo na ikaw," tahimik nitong sabi.

Oh. My. God.

Para akong mababaliw kasi sobrang bait niya sa akin. Sobrang thoughtful. Parang hindi ko siya deserve.

"I don't want to be cool, angel. I want to do it in the right way where you can sleep at night easily. 'Yong hindi ka na mamomroblema sa pakikipag-date dahil ayaw pumayag ng Papa mo."

I should be really happy with Van. Siya iyong lalaking kailangan ko sa aking buhay. I can't help but cry--my tears fall down to my face, why do I still feel the burden?

Bakit ka ba nahihirapan, Cherry? Why? Why?

Nakakahiya iyong nararamdaman ko. Dahil narito ang isang lalaking sobrang bait sa akin. Iyong wala ka ng maipipintas pero 'yong utak ko'y kung saan-saan pumupunta.

I sobbed, it was so hard. I thought it was easy to accept it. But this shit was scarier than I thought it would be.

Napatakip na lang ako ng dalawang palad sa aking mukha. Nararamdaman ko ang pagyakap ni Van sa akin. Ang kanyang matitigas na braso na binibigyan ako ng seguridad na wala akong dapat ipag-alala.

Wala akong narinig na kahit ano sa kanya. Walang mararahas na salita. Walang mga tanong kung bakit ako umiiyak.

Hinayaan niya lang akong maging mahina. Pakiramdam ko'y nanalo na ako sa lotto kapag si Van ang nakatuluyan ko. Siya ang kailangan ko.

"It's okay," pagpapatahan niya sa akin. Marahan niyang hinaplos ang aking likuran. "You're young enough to be confused of things that are important and not important, shhh..."

Suminok ako sa sobrang luhang iniiyak ko. Kahit ang sarili ko'y hindi ko maintindihan, pero si Van parang alam niya ang burden ko. Alam niya kung bakit ako umiiyak at willing siyang makinig.

Walang galit. Walang judgment. "I never met a strong lady like you, angel...you still manage to be warm, understanding and willing to sacrifice yourself for your family's belief, tradition and social standing--you're a very, very strong lady and I'm proud of you, angel for all of the things that you've endured and take for your family--I can't wait for you to grow more as a woman," he sweetly said.

Those words were enough for me to be comforted. I looked up to meet his innocent looking eyes that were gazing my tear-stained face and then it went down to my lips. Van blinked when I slowly moved my face closer to him.

Hindi niya alam kung ano ang gagawin niya. At napatunayan kong baguhan nga siya hindi lang sa panliligaw pati na rin sa paghalik ng babae nang ilapat ko ang labi sa kanya at wala siyang ginawa kundi suminghap. Ang kanyang buong katawan ay nabato sa kanyang kinauupuang sofa.

I thought kissing a man means domination, electrifying and sensual. But as I initiated the first kiss between me and Van, I couldn't feel those fireworks that I felt when he kissed me. Van responded to my kiss and his tongue didn't seek entrance to my mouth--it was just lips to lips but it felt casual.

Oh. My. God.

Hinawakan ni Van ang aking braso nang naging mapusok na ang aking halik. Napatigil ako. He was breathing so hard as if he was having a hard time.

"Angel...let's take it slow." Napatango na lang ako at nag-iwas ng tingin habang hinahawakan ang aking labi. Bakit ganoon?

Bakit iba 'yong halik niya? "Angel, I...shit!" nahihirapang sabi ni Van. "I want to kiss you also but I felt like kissing was too early," dagdag niya pa at tumingin na ako sa kanya.

Habang tinitingnan ko si Van ay naging mas malinaw lang sa akin ang lahat. Hinawakan niya ang aking ibabang labi at ngumiti siya't ang kanyang buong mukha ay namumula. Sobrang pula ng mukha niya kahit na saglit lang 'yong halikan namin.

"So I guess what I want to say is that let's know each other more. And then we can," sa maliit na boses niyang sabi. Napatango na lang ako at pilit nilalabanan ang mga pagdududa kong nararamdan.

"I'm lucky to have you," pinal kong sabi kay Van. Gusto kong panghawakan ang anumang meron sa amin. He was the safety that I need.

Van's face became red like a tomato. Na parang hindi siya makapaniwala sa sinabi ko. Madali ko siyang niyakap nang mahigpit.

I'm so sorry, Van, sabi ko sa aking utak habang niyayakap siya. Mas nakumpirma ko lang ang naramdaman ko sa kanya. But he didn't need to know that--that I just see him as a friend and not as a lover.