TomTord oneshots

No Homo

"Hey, Tom, can I say something?" Tord turns to me as Hawaii Five-O goes to commercial.

"I'm sure you can. It's just a matter of will you." I say, keeping my eyes trained on my Instagram.

"Well, no homo but I think those pants look really good on you. No homo though."

I stay quiet for a bit, letting it sink in. Then: "Tord, you do know that when you say 'no homo' twice in a phrase it basically cancels out? And saying pants look good on a guy and then saying 'no homo' is like snogging your cousin and saying 'no incesto'."

He narrows those grey eyes of his, mystified by my over fifteen-syllable sentences. Not to mention my usage of the words 'snogging' and 'incesto'. 

"Hm." He says. "Then I'll say it thrice: No homo."

"That's not how it works."

"Then how does it work, Thomas The Rule Maker?"

"I didn't make these rules. They're basically common sense. You say 'no homo' once. The more times you say it, they gayer you are."

"But I'm not gay. I'm watching Hawaii Five-O."

"That barely makes sense."

"YOUR FACE BARELY MAKES SENSE!"

"That it does. My eyes are holes, Tord. Did it ever occur to you that that's not particularly sensible?"

Tord huffs, knowing that I've backed him into a corner. I laugh. "A gay communist. And here I thought I'd seen it all."

"I'm not gay."

"And I'm not an alcoholic. People can dream, Tord. But in the end you'll always want me."

He sighs exasperatedly. Breathlessly, Tord says, "No homo."