Unforgivable | kth ✓

15

"so tell me now, where was my fault

in loving you with my whole heart..."

***

"Just let me know if you need anything." Taehyung says as he sets foot in my apartment, following right behind me and my exhausted lifeless form. With the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the wall and gasp mentally at the pale skin and baggy eyes of my reflection.

"I'm fine." I mumble, my mouth hardly open as the incomprehensible words roll out on my tongue.

I had barely succeeded in convincing Taehyung to drive me back to my place after leaving Yoongi's. He had been intensely persistent that we head back to his house. I gathered all my strength not to give away that I had eavesdropped on the conversation with his cousin, which was all the more difficult since I felt Taehyung observe me with the corner of his eyes even more carefully now.

I had a feeling he feared I'd have another mental breakdown so he was on the watch out for it.

"I'm still not sure if it's okay for you to stay alone here." Taehyung sucked on his teeth lightly, looking around the dark apartment.

"I told you I'm not a child." I clenched my jaw, immediately realizing I was being harsh for no apparent reason. I instantly regretted my rude tone, but I needed him to go now. I had to be left alone.

I needed time to calm the storm that was raging in my mind, and Taehyung's presence wasn't helping at all. If anything, he had such a strong effect on me that even made it all the more difficult for me to concentrate and reflect.

He pushed the inside of his cheek with his tongue, probably trying to figure out my sudden change in attitude. He narrowed his eyes at me as I tried my hardest to maintain a stone face.

Suddenly he broke through his serious expression and his pink lips curled in a light smile. He takes two steps towards me, shortening the distance between us, and puts his hand on my shoulder, gently squeezing it in a comforting manner.

"Let me come and pick you up later tonight. We'll go back to my place and talk." He said softly, tilting his head lower in order to meet my gaze. Something in the tone of his voice irritated me and I couldn't explain what it was.

I wasn't in my right mind at all. Both guilt and regret were wrestling with my brain at that moment, making it impossible for me to think clearly. I was so disappointed in myself, so mad at myself. I hated myself. I had let my guard down in front of Taehyung. The whole situation which we were put in made me feel vulnerable and confused.

At that moment I thought I had to distance myself emotionally and keep my defenses up or else I feared I'd send us both into a vortex of pain and anguish.

His rested palm on my shoulder began sending warm sensations to the bare skin under my shirt. I yanked off my arm abruptly, causing a shadow of slight shock go through Taehyung's face as he lowered his arm back on his side, putting it in his pocket.

The sudden gesture caught him off guard and he took a step back, his eyes widened.

"I think you have to go." I snarl, throwing him an icy glance. I was in desperate need to be left alone, to let out all of the bottled up emotions I had in myself. The words I had heard Taehyung and Yoongi exchange half an hour ago echoed through my head, making me go crazy.

His body froze, his mind obviously searching for answers as to why I was behaving like that.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk? You can-" He muttered, rubbing the side of his neck, obviously feeling uncomfortable and confused.

"Talk?" I hiss, making him gasp. "I don't think there's anything to talk about."

"Y/N, why are you being like this? I just want to help you." His soft tone provoked me even more, reminding me of our kiss earlier that day. Blame washed over me again like some had dropped a bag full of ice on my body.

"Taehyung, I think you're starting to get the wrong idea here." My voice cracked towards the end of the sentence as I was fighting the urge to burst into tears. His whole form froze.

"You can't possibly mean this." He uttered, the softness in his gaze disappearing slowly.

"But I do. What happened today was a mistake and it can never happen again." I hope I sound convincing. I rattle my head as I cross my arms in front of my chest, trying to cover my heavy breathing. I pin my gaze to my feet, not being able to look Taehyung in the eyes. "This could never work. That's the reality and if you think otherwise you're imagining things."

"Don't." He whispers and the disappointment in his voice makes my heart break. "You don't really think that."

"Taehyung, nothing good can come out of this. I'm sorry." I let out, my chest tightens at the thought of his expression right now but I don't dare look up at him.

He sighs deeply and I hear nothing but pin drop silence, the nervousness building up inside my chest. Images of me and Jungkook race through my head, numbing pain envelops me as the thought of the betrayal I had committed clasped my throat. In my heart, I still couldn't let him go, not even after I discovered he left me on his own free will. The love I had for him clashed violently with the suffocating pain and disappointment that grasped at my heart, in addition to the new-found feelings for Taehyung that had started to grow inside of me, sending me into a whirlpool of misery and confusion.

"Y/N." Taehyung whispers my name and I finally raise my gaze to meet his. I feel my heart ache at his sad eyes, the tips of my fingers start tingling and my chin trembles.

"I'm sorry." I repeat, my voice faint and disappearing. "I'll only lead you on. I care about you, I really do. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt myself." The moment the words escape my lips I feel a teardrop making its' way towards my cheek, giving me away completely.

"Y/N," Taehyung pronounces my name again, prolonging each letter in a manner that leaves me breathless. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want this. Tell me you didn't feel what I felt today. Say it."

He suddenly grabbed my chin and raised my face so that I couldn't help but look him in the eyes. His deep doe eyes that sent shivers down my spine.

"Because I don't believe a word you're saying right now."

I stare deep into his brown orbs that were now colored with a certain sadness. Feeling hypnotized, I try to break out from his intense gaze but it takes me almost everything I've got.

I pull away from him in a desperate attempt to think clearly.

"I can't." I say under my breath. "I can't say that."

Tears start streaming from my eyes, blurring my vision. I feel the distance between us grow bigger and bigger. Taehyung pushes his lips into a straight line, remaining silent for a while. I see he's desperately fighting the urge to hug me, to pull me into his embrace, but his form remains still, almost statuesque.

"Please go." I plead, my legs start shaking and I'm afraid I'll crumble down right in front of him. "Taehyung, just go." I beg him silently, burying my face into my palms as I slightly turn my back towards him, praying that he'll just leave.

"As you wish." I hear his usually low, husky voice now sound faint and hollow, which only brings me even more pain and I grunt quietly.

I sigh with relief when the door closes behind me, as the sobs start leaving my mouth, my shoulders frantically bouncing as I allow myself to cry at last.

Deep inside I try to persuade myself that this was the right thing to do. I can't do this to... Taehyung. I can't do this to any one of them.

What do I do now?

Suddenly an idea pierces through my brain, becoming clearer and clearer with every second.

author's note:

double update today!