BCF: Wish Upon A Star (Namjin)

Who You've Become: 유나

SINCE YOONA COULD remember, she was used to fighting in her household. In fact, she heard so much fighting, she never cried about it anymore. Sometimes it would be Father and Namjoon. Sometimes it was Namjoon and Aunt Geongmin. Other times it was Father and the phone.

She was now three months old.

Father and a dark skinned lady were fighting this time.

After her nap, Father put her in her car seat. He mentioned going to see mommy.

What is a mommy? she thought.

They had parked at a white building where he took her out of her car seat and held her to his chest.

"I'm here to visit Yvette Jackson," he said to the lady when he arrived at the desk.

Yoona wasn't yet good at time, but in a matter of what felt like some minutes, she felt Father sit and heard another chair pull up in front of him. Then she heard a woman's voice.

"I told you my wishes," she said.

The woman's voice held familiarity. It was the sound of cackling fire on a winter night. Warm, relaxing from afar; dangerous, unwelcoming at the touch.

"I don't care about your wishes, Yvette," Father sharply responded.

Yoona would've cried had she never heard him speak in such a way, because he often spoke with a sound as smooth as satin. Sadly, she was used to his counterpart tone, as he spoke like this when he fought with the phone; and he yelled at the phone often.

"I don't want her," she spoke, eerily calm.

"What happened, Yvette? You were doing so well and now since her near death experience —it's like you've taken a whole step back."

"I can't be a mother."

"Well grow up. Because I didn't ask to be a father."

Yoona turn her head and took a first good glance at the woman Yvette. Her raven black hair was tied in a messy bun, left over curls hanging loose from her head. Bags drooped over her bloodshot eyes and she wore saggy white clothing. Her gaze on Jin was hard and yet so sad. She seemed so very sad.

"Hold her," Father demanded.

Yvette shook her head.

Suddenly Yoona became afraid to be held by the woman Yvette. Not because she was scared of her, but because she felt unwanted. And that feeling scared her.

"Hold her," he hissed.

Her eyes welled up with tears as she shook her head.

"Hold her!" Father's voice was shaky and thick with emotion.

Yvette broke down into her hands. Yoona joined her. She felt bad for the woman Father dubbed as mommy. In that moment Yoona realized Yvette was not holding her because she didn't want her; Yvette was afraid herself. It was an ominous darkness that Father could not see and Yvette would not explain to him.
And for that Yoona felt a heavy pressure on her chest. So she cried.

Father rubbed her back and stood up. "Now look what you've done. You've made her cry. Because her mother isn't there when she needs her."

But that isn't it, Father, Yoona wanted to say. I'm crying on my own account.

She couldn't say that, however, so she cried harder.

Father was escorted out by security after spitting out some choice words to that woman. Then, he, too, broke into tears as he put Yoona back in her car seat.

Father later explained what happened at the so-called rehabilitation center to Namjoon, a place Yoona was estranged to.

Namjoon only frowned.

Yoona watched the scene before her in the comfort of Father's arms.

"Can you believe that?" he said.

Namjoon remained quiet. Father could tell something was wrong.

"What?" Father demanded.

He didn't respond.

"What?" he tried again.

"You've changed," said Namjoon.

"What do you mean?" asked Father.

"You've changed," he said again. "You've become more irritable, snappy."

"Does that make me a burden to be around?" Father challenged.

Namjoon wasn't threatened. "It makes you sad to be around. That's how I'd put it. You used to be so optimistic."

"Well sorry to disappoint, but sometimes this is who I am."

"No," said Namjoon. "This is who you've become."