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29

Jahseh
I pulled my robe tighter around my body harshly wiping my tears. I extinguished all the candles throwing them in the drawers carelessly. I swept all the flower petals away then put all the food i'd made in the fridge. I can't believe he did this to me. Picking up my phone I dialled his number for the hundredth time tonight. Voice mail.

"Bitch!"I screamed throwing my phone not caring where it landed. Two months! Two mf months he has been coming home late and sloppy drunk. I clean after his mess when he throws up in the bathroom and have to take care of his hangover as well. He is rarely home and when he is he locks himself up in the study room.

I can't remember the last time he said more than two words to me. He hasn't touched me ever since I came back. I haven't had my guts rearranged in forever and all this frustration is killing me. Stokeley doesn't love me anymore. If he isn't getting it from me he must be getting it from someone else.

I broke down as all sorts of images popped up in my head. I clenched my fists feeling anger flow through my veins. If he is cheating on me istg I will kill him and that hoe he is with. But why? Why is he doing this to me? My anger dissolved as pain and loneliness consumed me. I stood up slowly making my way into our room. I had really gone all out to try and please him tonight. Hours of looking for the right outfit at Victoria secret wasted! Energy used to prepare all this wasted!

I dragged myself into the bathroom. Staring at myself in the mirror I just broke down again. I looked horrible and ugly. My hair was a mess. My eyes swollen and puffy. No wonder Stokeley doesn't love me anymore.
I am ugly asf and fat too. All this stretch marks on my thighs and this sagging tummy! I cried harder covering myself up more. There way too many scars on my body. All the insecurities I had while I was with Rakim came flooding back. All the reassuring words Stokeley had given me to make me comfortable in my skin again all vanished from my head. Stokeley doesn't realize how much I need him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I need him to kiss all my insecurities away. I need him to love me and make me feel wanted. I need him to be the Stokeley I love and want to marry.

I sniffled again looking away from the mirror. Bending down I rinsed my face then dried it with a towel. I slowly walked to my side of the bed curling into a ball under the sheets. My tears didn't seem to dry up though. I cried silently in the cold lonely room.

I wished I could find sleep so that I stop looking at the digital clock every thirty seconds. Its currently two fourty three a.m. He isn't home yet. A sigh escaped my lips. I  caught the sound of my bedroom door opening and someone tumbling in. I knew it was Stokeley and as usual he was drunk. I heard his movements in the bathroom and he was throwing up. I continued to cry silently wondering how the fuck we got to this point. I don't have the energy to help him so I just stayed in bed balling my eyes out. He stopped vomiting after awhile. There was water running soon after. I then heard his movements in the closet. Shuffling could be heard. I guess he was changing his clothes. I'm glad he is at least able to change himself tonight.

Another five minutes and the bed dipped indicating he just got in. It was silent after that. I waited for him to do or say something but only  silence met my ears. Tears begun to fall more rapidly into the pillow as I struggled not to make any noise. I suddenly felt his arms snake around me.

"Please stop crying."he mumbled pulling me towards him.

"Then dont give me a reason to."I said my voice shaky. He tightened his grip on me inhaling deeply. His embrace brought warmth to me and as much as I wanted to push him away and lash out at him I just couldn't. I needed this too much. I needed him. With that I turned around cuddling into him. My head rested on his chest listening to his heartbeat.

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"Auntie seh seh!" Maxyne yelled hugging my legs as soon as I entered their house.