In those Eyes. [Harry Potter]

What I have seen, What I have done.

I tried to believe my own words. I had been to war with these people. They had lost a sibling fight for me. They loved me like a brother, right? Ron and Hermione wouldn't go after me like that. I could feel that familiar panic in the back of my head that had plagued me for several years, but tried to ignore it in place of thinkings about other things. That kiss, that particular kiss all of sudden made this fooling around seem very real. The look in his eyes almost reminded Harry of Hogwarts, it was like looking directly into past. He was trying to prove himself; he was genuinely upset. He was lashing out, but it was different this time. He didn't look as if he was trying to hurt Ginny per se, he looked as if he was trying to get me to see something. This show was for me.

I stared into his eyes as he held that same distracted look he'd held before. I can read the regret still even as unfocused as they are. 

Eventually, he leaves the kitchen with a mumbled something about cleaning his broom that I can still see lodged next to the coatrack as I sat back on the couch and stared at the TV as my mind wandered.

Why was that kiss so different? It still felt the same the simple ways, there is only so different a kiss can be and yet it wasn't like when I kissed Ginny.  It felt a different way. It even felt different from the snog he'd gotten out of me before. There was something insistent about it. Like he needed me to know. It wasn't casual and meaningless like most kisses seem to be. Yet, the message remained hidden to me. All I could remember was the way he'd look down at me and then he was kissing me with a passion that'd pressed me flat up against the fridge.

It reminded me of some dumb conversation I'd had with Hermione years ago.

I had asked her something about dumb line in novel she'd had me read over. She had went into this rant and romance and the in's and out's of love, going on and on about how you could only get that magical spark from someone who loved you passionately, equally. Sometimes I regretted knowing about Ron and Hermione's relationship as she started dip into conversations of sex and I had to slam the book close so hard it brought her out of her reverie, the sound reverberating in the common room as her cheeks burned red. 

In this moment, I could understand her wondering mind now. Once you have a real fixation somehow, you can't help but wander. How far would these random bouts of kissing go? I could feel the warmth in the pit of my stomach along with the stirring of an old sensation. I at least got the hint of arousal that seems to come with these things. 

I made a mental note to talk to Hermione because all of this internal thought was driving me mad.

"Harry?" I heard her whisper as I stood in the study.

 "Hermione, I need to talk." I quietly explained as I made my way away from the fireplace and towards the couch. It had taken me a while to finally get her to answer a letter but I felt a bit desperate after Draco had scampered out of the door to practice without a single word. 

"You needed something?" She asked after we were seated on the couch. She sipped her tea, but there was something unsettled in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't get myself to consume much of anything.  I looked down into my overflowing mug and then back up at her. 

"Well..." I began, only to trail back off into the flames of the fireplace. She waited patiently for me to continue but I knew she already knew. 

"It's about Draco, isn't it?" She finally spoke up after about three minutes of silence and I could only huff out a sigh. 

I pushed my mug into the center of the table and turned to face her. 

"I don't understand what exactly is happening." I could see the remnant of a smile as I turned to look at her. Her expression gives away that she's remembered something. 

 "Lemme guess? Ron has made you an expert." She huffed out a laugh at this, eyes refocusing on me after she sat her mug down on a coaster.

"Was that the first time you two had kissed?"

"No." I mumbled low, averting my eyes as I could visibly see her becoming intrigued. 

"Well what makes you say that you don't understand?" I couldn't believe I was really talking to her about this even with our long history of being friends.It felt out of place, odd...and yet right. It felt like I was some second year with a new crush that we were gossiping about. It also felt like it was something I'd been missing. I didn't have this type of thing in school. It was more whispering about how we were going to keep me from dying this year. 

We sat there talking for a while and I learned a lot of things about Ron that I didn't want to know but it got me to the conclusion that he hadn't expected me to return whatever this was...this affection. He just thought he could kiss me and there would be nothing to add on to that except more bickering. He wanted a fight so he could in turn get some kind of intimacy. He was trying to get what he wanted and felt like the fight would be worth it, worth a single kiss.

I sighed as she announced the fact that she needed to leave before Ron came home from his shift at work. The TV couldn't my attention when I had this new information swirling around in my head, but my eyes stayed on the box even as they glazed over.

I only brought myself out of the daze when I heard the front door open and footsteps heading into the living room. By then, my eyes were now on todays paper. I kept my eyes on the words, skimming them slowly. I had to admit, I wasn't the least bit interested in the kids section but I continued to stare at the puzzles and the little pictures of the cartoons actively swinging on the monkey bars until Draco cleared his throat.

He plopped down in the larger arm chair with a sigh. 

"We need to talk." I looked over the newspaper to see him partly scowling at me, but I wasn't sure if he was genuinely angry or not.

"What about?" I asked playing with the quill tip as I stared at the crossword puzzle that was in the entertainment section. Of the 80 things we need to talk about, what could this one-man intervention be about that he would address it head on? I watched as the words popped up on the newspaper trying to give me hints.

"About my teammates calling you my boyfriend."