Tainted

Chapter Nineteen

Unedited... but I will start editing all of these chapters soon. Well, maybe. Anyways, please enjoy.

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"Rain, we've been here for nearly twenty minutes." Ian complains. I remain silent in my seat. Yes, I'm still deciding if I want to apologize to my mother. It's a decision that, to many, wouldn't be that hard. They'd simply apologize later when they came back home, when they were no longer angry. But I don't have the option, do I? I don't have a home to come to when the malice melts away and guilt is the only thing left in my heart.

"I'm going to do it now." I announce aloud although I'm not looking at Ian. I don't want him to be concerned about my life or anything in it. He has enough on his plate already.

"Do you want me to come with you?" He asks. For that moment, I freeze. I look at him in a new light for once. Instead of immediately saying 'no' and handling the situation on my own, I actually look at him and see him. I see him trying to help me through this and for once I allow him.

"Yes." I say and his eyebrows rise in surprise. He unbuckles his seatbelt and joins my side as I walk up to my house for the second and last time.

I knock on the door although I know I could push it down if I wanted to. I decide that since this is going to be my last time seeing my mother, so I want to leave her with some positive feelings about me. On her deathbed, when her mind would wanders to her children, I'd want her to remember me with a smile and not an anxious rub of the throat.

The door doesn't open. Ian and I are still standing at her doorstep, however, even after five minutes. I knock again. I refuse to leave this place without letting her know that no matter what I love her. There are doubts in my head and demons telling me to say 'fuck her', but my loudest voice is my rational voice for once.

The door remains closed even after waiting another painful ten minutes. Ian is being extremely patient, no sign of restlessness on his part. But I'm a different person entirely.

I use my forces to open the door, breaking the locks but not the door. I don't even remember the usual command I give myself, it's just something that happens out of anger, and through anger, I enter the house again. Ian follows behind but not by far. I'm sure he can tell that I'm not entirely there anymore.

I hear struggling from upstairs. The floor above sounds like it's being pounded upon. My eyes are scanning the ceiling, trying to figure out what's going on. It doesn't take long before the answer comes to me, literally.

My mom's body flies down the steps and slams back-first into the wall. The pounding sound grows louder from above and I rush over to my mother, my curiosity diminished. Ian seems to be better at taking action and runs upstairs before I can stop him. My mom is conscious and I frantically search for injuries. She repeatedly tells me that she's okay, but I ignore her words until I confirm that for myself. After my worry has lessened, all I can do it hug her. She gained back some of the weight she lost so many years ago but her frame is still small.

"I'm sorry mother." I weep for her. She grabs my shoulders with strength I didn't believe she had and it halts my crying.

"Do not apologize." She muscles up her strongest voice. "Neither of us are perfect, but if anybody should apologize, it should be me." She says to me. It's the first time she's said anything to me that made me believe that it wasn't my fault. It's been a few years of torture, which actually felt like decades, and although her confession to her sins lightens my heart, these years have done damage that cannot be undone. My tears are starting to dry and leave their stain on my face as I'm frozen, staring into the face of my mother, my maker.