I'm Not Like Him [boyxboy]

Chapter 18

So. This is different. I decided to do River's POV and his take on all of this so you get a little more insight on how he's feeling. I hope you like it; vote, comment and fan please. I'd love to hear from you.

River's POV

I stand in the hall, looking up at the ceiling. My eyes focus on the gold numbers in the middle of his door as I try to imagine what he's doing inside. He must be beside himself because this is yet another time I've rejected him. Another horrible act that I've committed because I don't have the balls to be brave and admit that I want him back.

I didn't want to leave him like that because everything I said was a lie but I had to because I'm so afraid of being with him. He reminds me of everything I'm not and that scares me. He's confident and cocky and so sure of himself whereas I'm none of those things. I'm full of self-doubt and fear. I shouldn't have told him that I didn't want him again because I can see that it's destroying him. He's changed so much and I could see the despair in his eyes.

It felt right to be back in his bed again because it felt so normal. I know I belong with him and he knows it too but I've never had a good relationship. Jack was abusive yet he's the only one I've ever loved. I gave him everything but he threw it all back. I can't escape the thought that Alex is going to hurt me. 

I've had other relationships before but I wasn't afraid of them doing anything like that to me because I didn't trust them nor did I have such strong feelings for them. Not like I have for him.

But maybe Alex won't understand how I'm feeling.

I turn away from his door and go into my own apartment where Danny is waiting. My heart sinks the moment I lay my eyes on him.

“You've been ages, babe.” He says, walking over to me.

“Yeah, I'm sorry. Alex was just wasting my time.” I lie as Danny puts his arms around my waist.

“I don't like that guy, he seems too arrogant.” He frowns, pulling me closer.

“He's not...” I trail off, looking down.

He nods and looks at my face, tilting my chin up.

“What's wrong, River?” He asks.

“Nothing, I'm good.” I manage a smile and move his hands away from underneath my shirt.

He's about to protest but I shake my head. “Actually, I'm feeling a little tired and I don't think I'm the best company right now. I'll see you tomorrow?” I say, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, yeah, if you want.” He speaks, sounding dejected.

“I'll see you, okay?” I kiss him on the mouth before he leaves and I sigh, leaning against the wall.

I feel so bad.

My mind wanders back to Alex and how he must be feeling right now. I want to make things right again but I can't because I've messed everything up. We're not best friends who have fallen in love accidentally nor were it love at first sight. We're just two strangers who have nothing in common besides sex and I know that the only time we really talked was when we were in bed together but that was okay because I didn't feel like I had to hide anything from him.

I can't keep pretending that I don't want him and I can't keep using Danny like this but I don't know what else to do. Everything about him screams yes but I look at myself and my brain says no. I'm just so terrified of getting my heart broken that I'm pushing Alex away and sooner than later, he's not going to be bothering with me anymore. When I had sex with him again, it brought back all of the emotions that I feel for him.