The City's Going To Save Her [A Harry Styles Fanfic]

Change My Mind

           I opened my eyes and looked over at the boy lying next to me. He was already awake. Just lying there. Watching me. But not in the creepy way that watching someone sleep sometimes happens. It was more in the romantic way. At least that’s the way I saw it.

            “Morning beautiful.” Harry said with a grin wider than I had ever seen before.

            “Morning.” I mumbled back, embarrassed. I pulled the covers up over my face so only my eyes were visible. Harry reached up and pulled the covers back down, kissing me on the forehead as he did it. 

            “How was your sleep?” He asked still grinning wildly. “Oh you know, great.” I said smiling. “How about you?”

            “Well I preferred the bits where we weren’t sleeping if you know what I mean.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I whacked him with a pillow.

            I rolled over onto my back and sighed. “When does your flight leave again?” I asked. I hadn’t forgotten about the fact that Harry was about to go on tour for three months, but it was something I didn’t want to think about so I had pushed it to the back of my mind.

            “Five hours.” He sounded defeated when he said it.

            “Uhg that’s so soon. Why do you have to go on tour again?” I asked sort of joking but sort of serious. It sounded selfish, but I wanted him all to myself.

            “Well because I love it. It’s just the leaving people that I don’t love so much.” He sighed. I nodded my head in agreement.

            Then he got really excited. “Come with me!” The words hit me like a wall and suddenly I couldn’t think at all.

            “I don’t know.” I said slowly, still trying to process what he was saying.

            “We could make this work.” He was so sure of what he was saying, it intimidated me. I wasn’t so sure we could make ‘this’ work, whatever this was.

            “Yeah but Harry, I’m not sure going on tour is the answer here.” My mind was both whirring with thoughts and completely empty at the same time.

          “But after last night everything feels right. Don’t you think? I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner. I think that you coming on tour seems like the thing best to do.” I was sitting opened mouthed staring at Harry. I was so taken aback I didn’t know what to say.

         “Okay, but I think those are two separate conversations. I mean what does last night have to do with anything?”

          “Alix, Last night was absolutely amazing. Not even that. I just...I’ve never felt like anything made more sense in my entire life.” He was sitting up now, talking with his hands.

           The white covers had fallen around him exposing his bare chest. The black ink stood out in stark contrast from the smooth skin underneath. I wanted to reach out and run my fingers along the inky lines. But I stopped myself.

            “No Harry, last night was a mistake.” As soon as the words were out, I wanted to shove them back into my mouth because the look of absolute devastation on Harry’s face sent my heart shattering into a million little pieces.

            “Harry I didn’t mean-” I was cut off from my attempt to salvage the situation by Harry speaking in a hurt voice. “I get it okay. I get it. And you’re right. Last night was probably a mistake”

            “Harry I didn’t mean it like that.” I was severely back peddling. Me and my stupid, big mouth.

            “How else could you mean it?” I knew that it was a rhetorical question and it would be better to leave it unanswered. He threw the covers off and got out of bed.

            “Where are you going?” I asked, panicking. This was not turning out the way I wanted it to.

            “To shower. And then pack. My flight leaves in five hours. Remember?” I could handle him being mad, but to see him hurt is what killed me.

            He turned his back to me and stormed towards the door. “How did you expect this conversation to go Harry?” Maybe that was a stupid question because he just looked at me with a frustrated expression and walked out of the bedroom. 

            I couldn’t leave it like that so I ran out after him. I skidded into the hallway with my socked feet, slipping along the way. “Harry wait!” He turned and looked at me, but before I could say anything he spoke.

            “Alix, you know your friendship means the world to me, like more than you could imagine. I never wanted to do anything to compromise that, but somewhere between all the late nights, the phone calls, and the laughter I fell in love with you. I love you Alix. I am in love with you and I’ve been so afraid to say those words out loud because of what it might do to our friendship, but I needed you to hear those words. Even if it was only once.”

            I was so taken aback by his words that I just stood and stared at him, mouth gaping. “Please say something.” His words came out in a whisper.

            “I-I don’t know what to say.” I stammered.

            “If the immediate response doesn’t come to mind, then I think that’s answer enough.” And with that he turned his back to me and walked into the bathroom. I could hear the click of the lock as the door shut behind him.

            I couldn’t just leave. Not now. So I stood outside the bathroom door so I could yell my response to Harry.

             “You have to realize that this is all happening really fast for me. And I’m not saying that I’d never go on tour with you, but you have to know that asking me to come with you five hours before the flight is a little last minute. I can’t exactly just drop everything and run off into the sunset with you. I have my own life to you know that?”

            The silence seemed to stretch out for hours. I sat on the floor with my back against the door. When I heard Harry’s voice it came out low and quiet through the door. “You’re right. I can’t expect you to drop everything to go on tour. I just didn’t want to leave you okay? I couldn’t bear the thought of being away from you after I felt like we could finally be together.”

            “I wish I could tell you that you’re wrong, but I just don’t think you are.” It came out in a whisper but I knew he heard me.

            “I just don’t think it’s going to work.” His words physically pained me.

            “I know.” Was all I could say. And then more silence encapsulated us. Finally I broke the stillness, “I should go.”

            “Goodbye.” He whispered through the door and I whispered it back. Tears already pouring down my face.

            I didn’t leave immediately. I waited until I heard the shower running. I took one more look around the flat that had become my home and then I walked out the door and left the boy that I loved behind me.

             I walked away feeling like a sharp knife had stabbed every piece of my now shattered heart. It sounds dramatic I know. But if you’ve ever not told someone you loved them in the moment that you should have, you’d know that I wasn’t being dramatic at all.  

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