Looking For Something Real (Sword Art Online)

21. Broken

Chapter 21 July 17th 2025 "Broken"

SAO Survivors School Hostel

I walked into my room and threw my keys onto the table by the door. Almost as if in a trance I shuffled my way to my bedroom and laid down. Despite being in a hospital bed for nearly three days I felt exhausted. The thoughts of what I had done and what I had to do next terrified me, there was no hope for sleep.

The police had been to take a statement from me and I could only assume that they had done the same with Rika at some point. They had told me that the guy I had knocked out had ratted out his friends and they were all in custody. One of the officers seemed impressed that I had managed to fight off 3 assailants alone, knocking one out and dislocating the shoulder of another no less.

I still couldn't remember the fight in full, adding to my fear of what could happen if the other side of me was to get unleashed again. My psychiatrist from the SAO Survivors School had come to visit me in hospital and she had assured me that it was normal for patients with PTSD to have such 'breaks' in memory when under stress. She had advised me to find something that would calm me down to focus on in such situations.

As I thought back to what had happened the only reason I had snapped back to reality was the thought of Liz. Could it be that she was my remedy in these situations? The problem was that she was unaware of just how broken I really was and using her as a calming influence would put her at risk.

I had asked Asuna and Kirito about it when they came to visit me in hospital. They had seen the same horrors I had, if not more, so they seemed like the best people to ask.

I explained my PTSD and my breaks from reality. How I had scared Rika at the mall when I had zoned out. How much I wanted to keep to keep Liz safe from it and how I had decided that our relationship had to be called off because of it.

Asuna had looked me straight in the eye and said "I know you're scared but trust me. I know Liz, and she wasn't afraid of you for zoning out, she was afraid of what affect it has on you."

"And I know you." Kirito added "You wouldn't hurt anyone you care about, no matter what. Let's face it those guys had it coming."

"Before you make this decision, please talk to Liz and explain it to her too. You don't need to throw away what you two have." Asuna asked of me.

I decided to follow their advice but I felt too scared to talk to Rika in person, I couldn't take seeing her afraid of me in the real world where she couldn't just log out of the conversation, so it seemed only logical to meet her in the virtual. I had made arrangements to meet with Liz in ALO but I hadn't told her what about, at the time I felt it was better this way.

Realising that it was already 7:30pm I hurriedly placed my AmuSphere on my head and logged into ALO.

I flew to the base of the world tree where I and Liz were going to meet. As I approached the clearing where we were to meet I noticed Liz already there, sitting down on a log. I felt apprehensive about what need to be done, but I had little choice.

"You're late" she said to me as my feet touched the floor.

"I'm sorry, the traffic home was a nightmare" I replied timidly, not even able to look at her face.

"I suppose I can let you off then" she said with a little smirk. "What's wrong though, you sounded pretty upset when you called earlier?"

I could feel the anxiety build within and as I went to speak my mouth refused to move. I took a big gulp of air to push it all down and started again.

"You know when I zoned out the other day?"

"U-huh" Liz replied seeming concerned.

"Well... the reason that happened is... I have PTSD... It makes me remember things... the bad things from SAO." Liz sat still for a little while before standing and putting her arms around me. Her embrace was as warm as ever, even with the dulled down senses of Full Dive tech. The thought of losing her touch scared me almost as much as the fear of hurting her, but not enough to change my mind.

"And what bad things do you see when you zone out?" she asked.

"I see people... die..." Tears began to fill my eyes as I spoke. "All the people I couldn't save."

"Shhh, It wasn't up to you to save everyone and you fought as hard as you could. Everyone knows that." Liz said calmingly and holding me tighter.

"That's not all though... That fight the other day where you got hurt. I had what the school psychiatrist called... a break." By this point I was crying, unable to hold it in any longer. It knew this was the end of me and Liz as a couple. How could she ever be with someone as broken as me? As dangerous as me?

"I'm sorry, what does that mean?" Liz asked. Her words were full of compassion.

"It means that I don't know what happened. Like... like another side of me took control... a side of me who wanted to really hurt them.... Kill them even. I'm... I'm sorry Liz but I don't want to ever hurt you because of it. I don't think you... you should be with me." A large sob came barrelling from my mouth as my crying continued in earnest.

"No" Liz said firmly. "That's not up to you alone." She stepped back from me and took my face in her hands guiding my gaze to hers. Tears were streaming down her own face now but she looked at me with determination. "I know you would never hurt me. You are the kindest and gentlest person I know." Liz let out a few sobs before continuing.

"You wanna know what I saw while you fought those assholes? I saw you fight to protect me, and I saw the look in your eyes when you realised I was hurt."

Her voice was raising higher and higher in volume until she was shouting. "I watched you get stabbed... fucking stabbed! And you still kept fighting! Then when the fight was over you were back to being the Tyzn that I know."

Liz shook her head like she was trying to clear her mind. "I don't give a shit what you or that psychiatrist wants to call it. What I saw was the strongest person I know doing what he had to, to protect me!"

I grabbed onto Liz and pulled her close. Fresh tears were flowing from my eyes. "I'm sorry Liz. I'm just so broken and you deserve better... I'm so scared that I'll hurt you!"

"I have everything I want in you" she replied hugging me tight. "I want to be with you forever, no matter what."

"So do I, I... I can't survive without you." My crying had subsided but my sobs remained. Liz once again backed up slightly and grabbed my cheeks, but this time she pulled my face down to hers and kissed me like we had in the hospital.

I could feel all the anxieties wash away. I had told Liz everything, even more than I had told Asuna and Kirito. Yet she seemed determined to accept it despite my broken state.

As our lips parted again Liz looked into my eyes. Her face was red but I couldn't tell if she was blushing due to embarrassment or just from the crying. Eventually she smiled again and spoke.

"Tyzn, thank you. Thank you for trusting me and telling me all of this. I don't care how broken you think you are, I'm always going to be there for you... dummy."

Authors Note: More angst than you can swing a sword at in this one :). 

Just as another heads up. I have been looking back through all my chapters as well as other works including some more reading of sections from the LNs. What I have realised is that I need to be a little more descriptive, especially when conversations are happening. 

I intend to go back and fix this in the next few chapters. This hopefully wont affect my upload schedule but if there is a delay this will be the likely reason.